Important announcement
Mathew will be at AsylumFest on Saturday 31st October (11am-4pm) and Sunday 1st November (10:30am-1pm) selling Yet She Lives, a cursed second book, and a small selection of merchandise. Yes, the book is cursed; yes, the curse spreads when you read the book - so let's all be excited for that!
He will also be a judge at AsylumFest's Mayday Hills Ghost Story Competition, Saturday 31st October at 7pm. He looks forward to hearing from new and returning talent for a great night of storytelling.
More information about the new book and the giveaway that happened earlier in the year forthcoming.
Who is Mathew?
Mathew Andreazza is a writer, performer, worker, creator, consumer, award-winning, award-losing storyteller and storylistener.
Most importantly, he is just like you. His facets are plentiful. His failures outnumber his successes. He treads water more often than he swims. He is a member of the working class making money for people he doesn't know.
But Mathew, just like you, has a reservoir inside of him: a place where ideas lay dormant, gathered in a little pile. These ideas, which we might like to imagine as feathers, float in through his ears and his eyes and all of his senses, and fall - gracefully, as feathers do - to settle atop that pile.
This reservoir is always stirring. Cyclical winds blow and send the feathers swirling, causing them to brush up against one another and intermingle. The ideas get to know each other, sometimes without Mathew even being aware of it.
One day, the wind was just right, and a handful of feathers fluttered their way up towards Mathew's brain, and struck just the right synapse. On that day, Mathew decided that he was going to create art.
And he has been creating art ever since.
The Weekly Conspirator
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Our reporters have contacts everywhere and know everything. It's all true - all of it.
Do you have a conspiracy that you want confirmed? Contact Mathew!
Liberals give up on politics, say Coalition has ‘done its bit’ for Australia
Liberals give up on politics, say Coalition has ‘done its bit’ for Australia
Caption for picture (Image credit - ABC News: Callum Flinn)
Sep 26 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Liberals insiders say the party is planning to disband because they’ve contributed enough to Australia’s political landscape and no longer need to exist.
The party will return all money to all political donors and all Liberals politicians will either resign or become independents in their respective electorates.
They say this attitude is based on an announcement made earlier this week, where opposition leader Angus Taylor said the Coalition would repeal a number of policies implemented to manage climate change if they were elected because “Australia has done its bit”.
“We think this is the right mentality to have when entering politics, and we intend to carry this mentality forward with everything we do,” Star Wallsplat (name changed to protect his identity) said.
“We’ve done enough to manage climate change and now other countries should pull their weight, the rich have paid enough tax and now it’s time for the poor to pay tax, and we have contributed enough to the global economy so I think we’re just going to stop exporting and importing goods altogether.
“I have done my bit for my wife so I’m going to stop putting any effort into our marriage, and I feel like I’ve done enough to raise my kids so I might just stop being their father.
“Someone else can be their father, I reckon - I’ve done my bit.”
Wallsplat said this mentality was very healthy and practised by many people around the world.
“When someone retires from the workforce, isn’t it because they’ve done their bit?” Wallsplat asked.
"When someone graduates from school, isn't it because they've done their bit?
“We should be able to call it quits when we’ve done our bit, too.
“I mean, we’re also planning on disbanding our party as soon as we get elected so I don’t really know how any of these plans are going to pan out, but it’s my job to come up with the ideas.
“It’s someone else’s job to actually implement my ideas, so I’m free to leave politics altogether - I’ve done my bit.”
Greek titan Gaia, as depicted in the hit hack-and-slash video game God of War III, disagreed that Australia “could do no more to save the Earth”.
“As the ever-present mother of Earth, it pains me to no end witnessing the damage your kind inflicts upon that which I have sworn to protect,” Gaia said.
“You mortals have done more than enough to ruin the home that the titans have made for you.
“Your continued existence is becoming a stain on the beauty of the Earth and its creatures, and if climate change targets are not met in 2050, we will have no choice but to intervene.
Gaia said that the Earth could experience a "second Titanomachy" but "among titans and men" if humanity did not stop polluting and recklessly pillaging from the Earth.
"With Zeus dead, we are free to rise from the prisons and punishments that once held us, and we can easily wipe humanity from this place like the blot it has become.
“The only way to avoid such a devastating loss of life would be to continue disbanding these parties that champions greed at the cost of our precious Earth.
“Continuing on this path is to accept your own death, and only a coward accepts death.
“You must choose life instead - you must choose to fight.”
“I thought Gaia was dead” Star Wallsplat said.
“Didn't she get stabbed in the heart by a big sword?
“Anyway, we’re not threatening to disband the party for the good of the planet - we’re just trying to appeal to the mining lobby to get more of their money.
“Ignoring the greater good and neglecting to serve the public so that we can appeal to those with millions of dollars is what a public servant’s supposed to do, right?”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Liberal party’s motivations.
“I don’t think they understand how a democracy works,” Figure said.
“Do they realise the Australian public still has to vote them in?
“Australians are buying more electric cars than ever before, and everyone is installing solar panels and batteries on their houses - why would they ever elect a government that doesn’t share their commitment?
“I will say that I agree with their plan to leave politics and completely break up the Liberal party, though - there are quite a few politicians all over the world who have ‘done their bit’ and I’d love to see them retire immediately.
“And then locked up in bloody prison.”
Foreigners manipulating Australia’s political landscape assuage concerns by saying they’re ‘only doing it for the money’
Foreigners manipulating Australia’s political landscape assuage concerns by saying they’re ‘only doing it for the money’
Oceania Unfiltered (Image credit - Oceania Unfiltered)
Sep 19 2026 - joint report by Patricia Dinkum and Jim Schemozzle
Overseas political commentators using AI to fake Australian accents and spread division within Australia said Australians should not be concerned because they are not politically-motivated, only financially-motivated.
An ABC News investigation uncovered that YouTube channel Oceania Unfiltered was using “AI-generated speech lip-synced onto real footage of a person, with synthetic audio and visuals manipulated to match it,” according to analysts at the University of Buffalo.
The presenter, which appears to be Brazilian man Junior Lutero De Alcantara, was previously seen speaking Brazilian Portuguese and then in a thick North American accent on another YouTube channel.
Since February this year, the channel has been posting content with the intention of discrediting the current government and promoting fringe, far-right parties.
The channel has gained millions of views by creating this kind of content aimed at Australians.
ABC News highlighted a page that recommended content creators use AI to create content aimed at Australians, which they considered an untapped market.
The post said that the USA had already been flooded with content creators aiming to spread division and that Australian content could give similar revenue with less competition.
These content creators are usually based in poorer countries like Indonesia, Vietnam and Bangladesh aiming to capitalise on high exchange rates.
Ad revenue they receive from targeting an Australian or US market would be paid in their respective currencies, which can be exchanged for a high amount of local currency.
Although ABC News contacted dozens of creators on Facebook with no response, The Weekly Conspirator has sources everywhere and we were very easily able to secure an interview.
Content creator AIf Stewart from YouTube channel True Blue Aussie G’Day Sheila Politics Bonza said that Australians should not be concerned about “political manipulation in their own backyard drongo pub test.”
“We bloody only want the bonza dollarydoos, mate,” Stewart said.
“Flamin’ galah we don’t want any of your crikey fair dinkum politicians to be strewth larrikin elected.
“We don’t bloody care one bloody way bloody or the bloody other if hat-with-corks-on-it any particular politician yeah, nah mate gets elected nah, yeah.
“Me and me ten million other mates fair shake of the sauce bottle might be spreading ocker hatred for sensible pollies and spruiking billabong no-good kangaroo outback politicians who are true blue racists and hate crikey bonza abortion and support alleged tomato sauce meat pie war criminals, but rest assured, we’re only doing it for the money bloody Aussie battler footy Holden.”
At no point did AIf Stewart seem like he had been manipulated by AI.
Our U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle spoke to an American content creator who agreed with Stewart.
DonAId Trump from YouTube channel Redneck Yankee Howdy Girlboss Politics Yeehaw said that Americans should not be concerned about “political manipulation in their own backyard varmint beer question.”
“We goshdarn only want the fine as cream gravy smackeroonies, buddy,” Trump said.
“Rootin’ tootin’ idjit we don’t want any of y’all tarnation American as apple pie politicians to be ballyhoo cowboy elected.
“We don’t goshdarn care one goshdarn way goshdarn or the goshdarn other if Stetson any particular politician yessir pal gets elected no ma’am.
“Me and my ten million other partners apple pie order might be spreading coot hatred for sensible government officials and travelling-snake-oil-salesman-style promoting saloon no-good coyote Old West politicians who are red, white and blue racists and hate John Hancock dangit abortion and support alleged ketchup grits war criminals, but rest assured, we’re only doing it for the money dadgum Average Joe baseball Chevrolet.”
At no point did DonAId Trump seem like he had been manipulated by AI.
The Weekly Conspirator also interviewed a Chinese content creator but he ended up being a racial caricature so we have decided not to publish any of his quotes.
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of content creators like the people behind Oceania Unfiltered.
“I can abide by racists,” Figure said.
“I can abide by bigots, I can abide by homophobes, and I can abide by misogynists.
“I can abide by anyone who has hate in their heart because more often than not, the reason they are hateful is because they have been lied to - they are upset with their own life for whatever reason, and the powers that be have given them a scapegoat to direct all their anger at.
“But what I cannot abide by are those people behind Oceania Unfiltered, and the people like them - those who sow division among us not because they hate, not because they are misguided, not because they have a genuine grievance, but just because they want money.
“People like them would doom an entire country’s political landscape just to pay the bills, and the worst thing is that a man just like those people is president of the United States, right now.
“That is why I cannot abide by anyone else who does the same.”
Companies and governments around the world take part in ‘Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week’
Companies and governments around the world take part in ‘Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week’
A Flock Safety camera (Image credit - Arizona Mirror: Jerod MacDonald-Evoy)
Sep 12 2026 - joint report by Jim Schemozzle and Patricia Dinkum
Various U.S. government agencies, surveillance company Flock Safety and the Australian government have proudly taken part in ‘Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week’ with a number of announcements or incidents.
A number of police stations and government agencies in the U.S. released memos and documents earlier this year warning officers about the proliferation of camera-equipped glasses.
These documents, which were only uncovered and reported on this week, spoke of how these glasses posed a security risk to police officers, who didn’t want to be recorded without consent, and police stations, which officials feared could be recorded for criminal use.
Meanwhile, at least 19 police or sheriff’s office personnel in the U.S. have been investigated, fired, arrested or put on leave over the past two months for using Flock Safety license plate reading cameras improperly or illegally, for example to stalk ex-partners.
These personnel were only investigated following articles published about their alleged misuse by USA TODAY.
Police expert and insider Sundried Tomato (name changed to protect his identity) refused to speak with The Weekly Conspirator because he is currently under investigation for using Flock Safety license plate recognition cameras improperly or illegally, for example to stalk an ex-partner, so we spoke to an insider from the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) instead, Abraham Langstrom (name changed to protect his identity).
Our previous insider, Elven Kind (name changed to protect her identity) disappeared under mysterious circumstances following the firing of Kristi Noem as secretary of homeland security earlier this year.
A Maine office of the DHS released a memo that said that “smart glasses” could be used by “the general public to conduct surveillance and other nefarious activities”.
We asked Langstrom why ‘surveillance’ was classified as a ‘nefarious activity’ if the government and police force did it.
“Well, I think we’ll all agree that surveillance is good when the government does it, but bad when criminals and terrorists do it,” he said.
“That’s who uses this kind of surveillance and these nefarious glasses - criminals and terrorists.”
The DHS memo also said that the use of smart glasses could also “lead to doxing of publicly available information”.
We asked Langstrom how it was possible to ‘dox’ publicly available information.
“Look, just leave us alone, okay?” he said.
“It’s Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week - just let us have this for one week!”
Flock Safety was also involved in a number of incidents where a number of its employees felt concerned for their privacy, which only got reported this week.
In June this year, a Flock Safety employee working at a distribution centre in Georgia called the police on a number of YouTubers who were filming outside the building.
The employee insinuated the YouTubers could be armed multiple times during the 911 call, and after identifying himself as a worker of Flock Safety, said ‘we need a favour’.
The YouTubers were not armed and police did not charge them but did ask them to leave.
In August, a different Flock Safety employee maintaining a camera called police on an investigative news reporter who was recording him.
He told police he was being harassed, but the Atlanta News First reporter recorded him from a distance and took numerous steps to identify himself as a member of the press.
When the police arrived, they pulled the reporter over to speak with him but let him go without charging him.
Both the Atlanta News First reporter and the YouTubers told police it was hypocritical for police to come after them for recording a person who worked for a company that recorded them.
Flock Safety insider Greg Flocker (name changed to protect his identity) said “people should have a right to privacy when they’re just going about their business, doing their job.”
“I understand your concerns, I really do,” Flocker said.
“Uber drivers, pizza delivery workers, paramedics, the ex-partners of police officers or whoever else they think they can stalk if they ever decide to abuse their power - sure, they all deserve privacy too.
“But surveillance is good when we surveil you and bad when you surveil us.
“It’s Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week - just give us a break, yeah?”
Finally, earlier this week Australian government bureaucrats asked the government to ban video footage of parliamentary hearings from being edited and shared on social media.
The secretaries board was concerned that video clips shared without any context could lead to the bureaucrats being ridiculed and abused.
The board emphasised that its officials never consented to having their likenesses or words edited, and that the best way to prevent ridicule and abuse would be to disable comments, prevent the addition of captions to videos, and upload the entire hearing instead of breaking it up into smaller clips.
Secretaries board insider Jingo Snails (name changed to protect his identity) said the ban was “of the utmost importance”.
“It’s all well and good for you people to say something funny when you get interviewed by the news or whatever and then get shared around as a meme, remixed into a song and made fun of for the way you talk or what you believe,” Snails said.
“But we are government officials, and we are very big boys with our big boy pants on, and we shouldn’t be ridiculed!
“It hurts our big boy feelings when people make fun of us - and it’s Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week, so the least you could do is show us all some respect.
“Maybe if you had your big boy pants on you could try and pass a law that makes it illegal for people to add captions to clips of you or upload them without context.”
When asked how the government would actually enforce this ban if it was enacted, Snails said that it would be “very easy”.
“We’re going to surveil you, obviously,” Snails said.
“We’ll put a camera inside of every single person’s house and if we catch anybody editing a video of us or uploading a clip of us out of context or adding captions, we’re going to call the police and have you locked up.
“It’s a small price to pay to uphold our privacy, I think.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of the ruling class.
“I get the feeling that next week is going to be Privacy for Me, Not for Thee Week too,” Figure said.
“And then the week after that, and then the week after that, and then the week after that - it’s just one set of standards for us and then another for them until somebody stops them!
“Oh, boohoo, a place I thought I was safe is actually unsafe, people record me while I’m doing my job, people might take a video of me saying something and take it out of context - yeah, that’s just the stuff the everyday person deals with these days.”
Flock Safety’s Chief Communications Officer Josh Thomas said in an interview with Atlanta News First that the only way to opt out of being recorded and monitored by their cameras was to “opt out of society”.
“Maybe these people who can’t handle living with all the technology they use to govern us should follow his advice,” Figure said.
“And I tell you what, society would be a whole lot better without them in it.”
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Renewables industry insiders explain why they spend so little on advertising: ‘we have mind control’
Renewables industry insiders explain why they spend so little on advertising: ‘we have mind control’
Trucks full of rocks (Image credit - The Guardian: Jessica Hromas)
Sep 5 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
The renewables industry has denied that it is not spending enough on advertising following a report published by Meta, and instead claimed they have access to other, more effective means of spreading their message.
The Meta report showed that the fossil fuel industry spent $553,000 in ads on the platform in the month of August, while the renewables industry only spent $3,090.
In other words, the fossil fuel industry spent almost 180 times as much as the renewables industry in just a single month.
Renewables industry insider Nibling Stickums (name changed to protect her identity) said she was “not concerned” with the “disparity of spending” between both industries.
“People have long-suspected that their COVID vaccines had a little something extra inside of them, and we’re very happy to formally announce what that is,” Stickums said.
“The fossil fuel industry can spend as much money as it wants furthering its agenda, because we have mind control.
“Inside every single person vaccinated against COVID-19 is a completely self-sustaining organism, known colloquially as the ‘woke mind virus’, which is very slowly making its way through those people’s bodies and making them woke.”
Stickums said that surreptitiously and illegally giving everyone a virus was “completely ethical” because the virus runs on a “renewable resource: human blood!”
“Unfortunately renewable energy like the light of the sun, the coursing of a river, heat from deep underground or the consistent blowing of the winds can’t be sold for millions of dollars like coal, copper, iron and rare earths can, so we had to resort to using hypnosis to convince all of the pharmaceutical CEOs to put our mind virus into their vaccines,” Stickums said.
"Luckily that was a very easy and possible thing to do!
“Our hope is that once the virus feeds on enough human blood to convince everyone to dismantle the oligarchy, be kind and neighbourly to each other regardless of who they are, and embrace renewable energy that doesn’t damage the Earth’s natural beauty, I think everyone will forgive us!”
The Minerals Council of Australia (MCA), one of Australia’s largest lobbyists for the mining industry, spent around $147,000 in ads on Meta platforms in August.
The lobby represents a number of mining companies, including Hancock Iron Ore, a subsidiary of Gina Rinehart-owned Hancock Prospecting.
Hancock Prospecting insider Karlgurst Stoutbeard (name changed to protect his identity) said the renewables industry was “evil”.
“Look, the mining industry may be racist, the mining industry may be sexist, the mining industry may be petty, the mining industry may even be evil, but it is not so evil that it would give everyone a mind virus,” Stoutbeard said.
“We intend to change people’s minds through completely normal means, like spending hundreds of thousands of dollars a month to flood social media with propaganda.
“Social media is normal and having lots of money at your disposal is normal - in fact, do you know what isn’t normal?
“Using the sun to generate power.
“That’s not natural at all!”
Stoutbeard said that he was “already starting to feel the effects of the ‘woke mind virus’.”
“A few years ago my son came out as gay,” Stoutbeard said, on the verge of tears.
“Just yesterday he called me and we had a long conversation, where I finally told him I loved him for who he was.
“I can’t believe the woke mind virus would make me do something like that.
“Next thing you know I’ll be saying that we should be using Australia’s vast stretches of outback to generate electricity and that Gina Rinehart’s father shouldn’t have advocated for the poisoning of rural Aboriginal communities - dear God!”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the renewables industry’s motivations.
“I should have known that the industry that’s really in control of Australia is the one with very little money and not very much to gain financially,” Figure said.
“I was so blinded by my hatred for the mining industry using its wealth and power to spread propaganda, influence politics and kill people that I never even considered the renewables industry could be even more evil, manipulative, cunning and morally-bankrupt.
“How dare they put something into my body without me knowing about it - only mining companies generating pollution, industries that generate microplastics and farmers who pump hormones into meat can do that!”
Figure said that the woke mind virus put into his body by the renewables industry hasn’t started working yet.
“No, mine’s broken,” he said.
“All it does is inoculate me against COVID-19, the useless thing.”
Report finds misogyny largest indicator of violent extremism; misogynists shift blame to women
Report finds misogyny largest indicator of violent extremism; misogynists shift blame to women
A shadow of a man (Image credit - Unsplash: Rene Böhmer)
Aug 29 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Misogynists have claimed a report that found that people with anti-feminist views are more likely to be violent extremists is false because it was written by women.
In addition to connecting misogynist views to extremism, the University of Melbourne survey of 3,429 Australians across a wide range of demographics also found that young men often had more misogynistic views than older men, and that young women had more misogynistic views than older women.
For example, 28 per cent of men and boys and 17 per cent of women and girls from Generation Z agreed that “the husband is the head of the household and the wife should be obedient to him”.
On the other hand, only seven percent of baby boomer men and four per cent of baby boomer women agreed with the statement.
The ABC has compiled most of the findings in this comprehensive article.
Founder of Extremists Vilifying and Intimidating Ladies (EVIL) Bromaxx Manfluenza said he “can’t believe women would launch such a blatant smear campaign against men.”
“I’m a tough, independent guy in charge of my own life,” Manfluenza said.
“I make my own success, I own up to all of my mistakes and failures, and I take one hundred per cent responsibility and accountability for my own actions.
“How dare the women in charge of this survey try and take that away from us.
“It’s so typical of women to ruin our lives - every single problem I have can be traced back to women.
“Like, for example, uh…well, no, the reason why I can’t afford to put a deposit down for a house is because wages haven’t kept up with the price of property, the reason why I feel stressed and anxious all the time is because the manfluencer content I watch makes me feel like I’m not good enough for my wife, and the reason why my son is being bullied at school is because the number of male teachers, who are usually good male role models, has been decreasing since the 1980s, and I’ve been too busy watching manfluencer content and working overtime to try and get enough money to put a deposit down for a house to be a good role model to him myself.
“And now my son is going to follow in my footsteps, because I haven’t been there to parent him, he’s watching manfluencer content too, which would explain why he and his mates have been harassing one of the female teachers at school, but the school can’t really do anything about it these days, and even when I get called in to speak to the principal and they tell me the awful things my son said to that teacher, even sitting next to my wife who I love very much, I can’t bring myself to discipline my boy because I’ve bottled up all my emotions because that’s what the manfluencer content told me to do and I can’t look him in the eye and have a heart-to-heart with him because I don’t want my own son to think I’m a wimp or whatever for having emotions and being vulnerable with the guy.
“Sorry, just give me a moment, I’ve got a lot to unpack.”
Newspaper comic artist John Seltzer, famous for such collections as Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them, Women Are Bad Drivers Because They’re Women and I Don’t Want to Look at My Ugly Wife, I Want to Look at that Attractive Woman, said he was surprised young men were more sexist than him.
“Us boomers have a reputation for hating our wives or whatever, but I can’t imagine ever agreeing with some of the things in that survey,” Seltzer said.
“Some young men today believe girlfriends and wives should do what their partner wants in the bedroom even if she doesn’t feel like, they believe they should be able to pressure their girlfriends into sex, and they think marriage entitles a bloke to have sex with his wife even if she doesn’t want to.
“That’s a far cry from calling women bad drivers or saying they belong in the kitchen or that your wife’s a nag or whatever - it’s bloody staggering that these boys hate women even more than my dad did seventy years ago!
“Let me tell these fellas something - I was marching right there alongside my wife to try and get marital rape criminalised in the eighties, and they should bloody-well do the same.”
Despite being outraged by the statements some young men were agreeing with, he understood why they were frustrated.
“It’s easy for me to say all this because I have a house of my own and two rental properties that I managed to buy just from working at a hardware store for forty years and using negative gearing to minimise my tax and so on and so forth, but what these men have to understand is that it’s the rich and powerful who are depriving you of your full potential - they’re just pointing the finger at women to distract you while they pick your pocket,” Seltzer said.
“Now stop worrying about buying a house and come and live in one of my rental properties - my next holiday to Bali isn’t going to pay for itself!”
Bromaxx Manfluenza said he couldn’t understand Seltzer’s argument.
“Andrew Tate isn’t trying to distract us from the rich, he is the rich!” Manfluenza said.
“And I know he doesn’t own any of the cars he uses in all his social media posts, he just rents them, but you know, he only does it because that’s what women want!
“Women love it when men are fake instead of being true to themselves, it’s all because of women we do any of this stuff - they’re to blame!
“I mean, I’ve never asked my wife if that's what she wants, but that’s what accused rapist, human trafficker and tax evader Andrew Tate’s always said.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Manfluenza’s motivations.
“I don’t think he wants to hate women - not really,” Figure said.
“I think he has a handful of problems that need fixing, primarily a despair with the world that can’t be solved through hatred - one that needs to be solved through mindfulness, psychological care, and being emotionally open and vulnerable with people he trusts, like his family.
“What he really needs to help him sort his life out is a positive male role model, and I’m especially proud to announce that I’m going to become a manfluencer.”
Hooded Figure went on to say that he intended to use social media to show himself engaging in “traditionally masculine acts, like urinating standing up, or wearing traditional male clothing like a kilt, or a toga without any underwear” but there would be one crucial difference between him and popular manfluencers like Andrew Tate.
“Instead of being far-right and anti-women like Tate, I’m going to be far-right and anti-immigrant like Tommy Robinson,” Figure said.
“That’s much healthier!”
Waverley council asks the question on everyone’s mind: ‘can a book be a terrorist?’
Waverley council asks the question on everyone’s mind: ‘can a book be a terrorist?’
Waverley Library (Image credit - Celebrating Waverley: Christina Steiner)
Aug 22 2026 - joint report by Patricia Dinkum and Spigot Wazzle
A Sydney library is investigating whether a book about the Gaza genocide is capable of terrorism following complaints from the public, according to insiders.
The library is located in the same council area as Bondi beach, where terrorists attacked a Jewish celebration last year and killed 15 people.
The book is called How to Sell a Genocide and is a thorough examination of how the media of the United States has helped normalise, underreport or otherwise further Israel’s genocide of the Palestinian population.
A survivor of the attack wrote on Facebook last week that seeing the book in the library was distressing to those who survived the massacre and other affected people.
Shortly afterwards, the council removed the book from the library and began conducting a review.
“The council is committed to social cohesion no matter what,” said Waverley council insider Dinkus Gutenberg (name changed to protect her identity).
“Can a book be a terrorist?
“It’s a very interesting question - sometimes the truth and the facts can make people feel very distressed, and we have to be mindful of that because making people upset doesn’t help social cohesion very much.
“Oh my God, maybe the truth is a terrorist - maybe facts are terrorists.
“When you think about going out into outer space and dying a horrible death because there’s no oxygen up there, or stories about frostbite from people failing to climb Mount Everest, or how six million Jews were killed by the Nazis in and around World War Two, it’s actually really distressing.
“You know, I imagine those books about the Nazis killing millions of Jewish people are especially distressing to the Jewish community - I think they would want me to start removing those from the library too.”
Just days after the book critical of Israel’s genocidal actions was removed by Waverley council, a podcast surfaced where Israeli minister Itamar Ben-Gvir said Israeli forces should aim to “kill 30 or 40” people in Gaza daily.
He then said that “people who are not worthy of life” live in Gaza, and that “they’re not even people”.
Ben-Gvir made headlines earlier in the year when he posted a video of himself taunting activists from a humanitarian aid flotilla bound for Gaza who had been abducted and detained by Israeli forces.
Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu condemned Ben-Gvir at the time but has not condemned his latest comments, and Ben-Gvir has retained his position as a government minister.
On Thursday, Ben-Gvir published a video of himself showcasing the construction of a gallows complex where Palestinians convicted of terrorism will be hanged, with families of victims of terrorism being given the opportunity to watch the hangings.
Under laws passed earlier this year, only Palestinians convicted of terror offences can be sentenced to death in Israel - not Jewish extremists accused of similar crimes.
Since the Gaza war began in 2023, over 71,000 Palestinians have been killed, including over 21,000 children.
Meanwhile, since Russia invaded Ukraine in 2022, more than 16,000 civilians have been killed - meaning Israeli forces have killed more than four times as many civilians as Russian forces have in almost the same number of years.
In 2024, Israeli forces conducted a coordinated attack on a convoy delivering food to Gaza and killed seven aid workers, one of which was Australian.
This week, Australian government officials were outraged by Israel’s decision not to conduct a criminal investigation into the killings.
“Doesn’t all that make your blood boil?” asked Israel Defense Forces insider Iron Lung (name changed to protect his identity).
“Wouldn’t you live a much more carefree life, a much happier life, a much less distressing life, if you didn’t know all of those facts?
“That’s why we kill all of those journalists, and that’s why I wholeheartedly agree that How to Sell a Genocide shouldn’t be in a library, or in bookstores, or anywhere.
“I try not to think about the word ‘genocide’ - how else do you think I can sleep at night?”
Following the news of Ben-Gvir’s comments, a Waverley council insider said that all of its libraries would be conducting reviews of the newspapers they receive daily.
“Hearing that man say that Israeli forces should kill people indiscriminately, that really was quite distressing,” Gutenberg said.
“What we’ll have to do is read all of the newspapers every morning and manually cut out any articles that might be distressing to our community so that we can all live happy, peaceful, socially-cohesive lives.
“We’re also going to be reviewing whether computers should be allowed inside of the library - the Internet lets you read the news, you know, or Wikipedia articles, and some of the information you can find there is very distressing.
“Is the Internet a terrorist?
“You know, sometimes when it’s raining, we get homeless people coming into the library to keep warm and stay out of the rain.
“It’s actually really distressing, seeing them all dirty and looking so sad because they can barely afford enough food to eat, realising that our society has failed to provide them with public housing and done practically nothing to help them get back on their feet…
“I think it would be in the best interest of the community to ask them to walk out into the pouring rain and go far away where nobody can see them, so nobody gets distressed, you know?”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of the person who complained.
“I feel quite sorry for them because they probably have post-traumatic stress disorder,” Figure said.
“But the world is a wide and varied place, and it’s impossible to remove every single thing that might trigger someone’s trauma from it.
“Truthfully, it is not in anyone’s best interests - especially the Australian Jewish community’s - to silence criticism of Israel, because doing so silences a large number of Jewish voices as well.”
A survey of American Jews found that 70 per cent of Jews agreed that it was “sometimes…hard to support actions taken by Israel or its government”.
The survey also found that there was no consensus about what it meant to be a Zionist among Jewish people.
At its core, Zionism is the belief that the Jewish population deserves its own state, but historically the stance has been associated with colonisation and used to justify the violent displacement of the Palestinian people.
80 per cent of American Jews who identified as anti-Zionist said that Zionism involves “supporting whatever actions Israel takes”, while only 15 per cent of Zionist American Jews believe that.
“I’m very much reminded of what’s been happening to our Muslim friends since 9/11,” Figure said.
“The media discourse around Islam, the action of a small number of extremists, and the normalisation of hate speech from people like Pauline Hanson have led to all Muslims being tarred with the same brush.
“Except in this instance, the extremist Zionists who believe committing genocide is an acceptable means to an end are the ones trying to tar the entire Jewish community with that brush, and we all have to be very careful that we don’t fall for it.
“A book criticising the Gaza genocide shouldn’t be distressing to an Australian Jew - the fact extremists are killing tens of thousands of civilians and then trying to convince the rest of us that they act on their behalf should be.”
Google insider says co-founder Sergey Brin is ‘proving a very good point by using his wealth to fight a wealth tax’
Google insider says co-founder Sergey Brin is ‘proving a very good point by using his wealth to fight a wealth tax’
Google co-founder Sergey Brin (Image credit - Getty Images: Michael Tran)
Aug 15 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Google co-founder Sergey Brin has spent more than $100 million to advocate against a proposition in California which would impose a one-time tax on the state’s billionaires.
If passed in November, proposition 40 would empower the Californian government to impose a one-time tax on every billionaire living in the state, at five percent of their net worth.
The state would use the money to fund its medicare program, which is set to lose $30 billion in federal funding next year due to Trump’s budget cuts.
A five per cent tax on Sergey Brin’s net worth alone would raise an estimated $13.3 billion.
But Google insiders say that Brin isn’t fighting the wealth tax because he doesn’t want to be taxed - he is fighting it to “prove that California really needs one”.
“Sergey Brin is a good man who has always lived by Google’s mantra of ‘don’t be evil’, and he wants to make it crystal clear that this is not an evil act, but a good one,” Google insider John Gutterflower (name changed to protect his identity) said.
“It is vile to spend a hundred million dollars fighting a wealth tax instead of paying firefighters, building houses for the homeless, funding mental health programs or curing cancer, make no mistake about it, but Sergey is doing this to show us the evil other billionaires are capable of if California decides not to enact a wealth tax.
“Bad guys need to do bad things or else what reason do the good guys have to rise to the occasion?
“I mean, how would we know that Hamas are the bad guys if they didn’t kill a whole bunch of innocents, how would we know that Muslim extremists are the bad guys if they didn’t kill many innocents by destroying civilian buildings, and how would we know that illegal immigrants are the bad guys if they didn’t commit heinous crimes?
“It might seem like hypocrisy, but I think he is proving a very good point by using his wealth to fight a wealth tax.”
Sergey Brin has also been connected to convicted sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, having spoken to his accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell as early as 2003, allegedly visiting ‘Epstein Island’ in 2007, and being seen with Epstein at a 2011 dinner, years after Epstein made a plea deal in 2008 to avoid federal charges of sex trafficking and instead be convicted of two lesser felony charges in Florida.
John Gutterflower claimed that Brin also “associated with Epstein to prove a point, yes.”
Gutterflower did not explain what that point was.
Here in Australia, Gina Rinehart has used her power and influence to silence Australian filmmaker and visual artist Kate McGuinness.
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) aired Race Around the World on 12 July, where Kate McGuinness made an objectively funny statement.
“When the revolution comes will you hide under the bed or will you know exactly how to shove a stick right up Gina Rinehart’s butthole, stirring it ‘round, mixing her guts up nice and smooth, to make one big sausage roll to make something out of nothing?” she said.
On 23 July, 11 days after the program aired, Gina Rinehart’s company Hancock Prospecting wrote to the ABC demanding immediate removal of the video and, when the ABC failed to do so, later threatened them with legal action.
According to the ABC, their ombudsman received eight complaints in the week after the program aired, but a further 988 complaints after News Corp used its mastheads to publish 46 articles critiquing the program.
The incident made the news again this week when the ABC announced it would be changing its editorial guidelines in response to the backlash the program had received.
But Hancock Prospecting insiders say that Rinehart isn’t fighting a small filmmaker making a ridiculous joke because her feelings are hurt - she’s fighting her because “there was a very real threat to her life”.
“It’s obvious just how much Gina has feared having a stick shoved up her butthole by a random member of the public since those awful comments were made,” Hancock Prospecting insider Karlgurst Stoutbeard (name changed to protect his identity) said.
“She doesn’t want to show her face and that’s why she’s using the assets of her company to speak on her behalf - even though Hancock Prospecting is a mining and agricultural company, she has no choice but to use their assets to engage in cultural and legal debate and to protect her honour, she’s just too scared of having a stick shoved up her butthole.
“And that’s why it took eleven days for a complaint to be made as well.
“Apparently she spent those eleven days hiding in her room, and her lawyers would knock on her door and say ‘Miss Rinehart, it’s your lawyers, we want to make a statement to make you feel happy again,’ but Miss Rinehart kept saying ‘Go away, I know you’re only pretending to be my lawyers but really I’m going to open the door and you’ll shove a stick up my butthole and stir my guts into a sausage roll, which is a completely logical series of events that can actually happen to a person and has happened many times in the past,’ and refused to open the door.
"That's what I heard, anyway."
An article published on Hancock Prospecting’s website labels Kate McGuinness’ words as ‘sexual torture’ numerous times and for some reason specifically addresses American readers and speaks to American talking points, perhaps because Gina Rinehart is, in her own words, ‘proud to be an American’.
Gina Rinehart was born in Perth, Western Australia, and has lived in Australia for most, if not all, of her life.
“That so-called ‘filmmaker’ is certainly advocating very real, very scary sexual torture, and we all know that’s what really happened to that UnitedHealth CEO in America,” Karlgurst Stoutbeard said.
“The news tells us that he got shot by a gun to sanewash you socialist-leftist barbarians but we all know some sick freak shoved a stick up his butthole and stirred it around to mix his guts up nice and smooth into a sausage roll.
“Also that bloke who painted Gina in an unflattering way, that was body horror and defamation and she feared for her life back then too.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of Sergey Brin and Gina Rinehart.
“Sergey Brin is proving his fantastic point, all right,” Figure said.
“People like him don’t care about money - they care about the power and control that comes with having so much money.
“A hundred million dollars is chump change to him, and that’s a big problem - nobody should have that kind of money to throw around so they can influence government policy.
“And Gina, please, dear God, stop embarrassing yourself.
“If you actually cared about the sexual torture of women you wouldn’t be hanging out with Trumpettes and aligning yourself with Donald Trump, a man whose name is mentioned in the Epstein files more than 38,000 times and who raped a woman.
“Personally, I think hypocrites like Gina who idolise rapists like Donald Trump should have a stick shoved up their buttholes and their guts mixed into sausage roll meat, and I’ll fight any bloke who thinks it’s not okay to say that but that it is okay to say that there are no good Muslims.”
Australian government considering establishing a Royal Commission on Antiweaponism and Social Cohesion
Australian government considering establishing a Royal Commission on Antiweaponism and Social Cohesion
Vandalised cars outside Lovitt Technologies Australia (Image credit - Aaron Francis)
Aug 8 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
The federal Labor party is waiting on authorities to decide whether an act of vandalism constituted a terror attack before moving ahead with a royal commission, insiders say.
Last July, three cars parked outside of Melbourne-based Lovitt Technologies were torched, allegedly because the company supplies fighter jet parts to Israel’s military force.
Shortly afterwards a masked figure using a voice changer posted a video where they claimed responsibility for the incident, and gave Lovitt Technologies a clear warning: “Stop arming Israel or else…”
Now the Australian Federal Police (AFP), Victoria Police and the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation (ASIO) are determining whether the incident constitutes an act of terrorism considering it might have been perpetrated by “far-left extremists”.
If the incident does constitute an act of terrorism, the federal government would be able to classify weapons businesses as a protected group and launch a royal commission into antiweaponism to ensure social cohesion.
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) said it’s “very possible the incident will be considered an act of terror”.
“Let’s just look at the UK where those people who raided that Israeli-linked defence factory were classified as terrorists - there’s already precedent for us to do the same,” Jellybean said.
“And we love copying the UK, right down to having a Labor party that’s a shadow of its former self and purports to be for the average person but certainly isn’t.”
While the people arrested over the raid were not convicted as terrorists, prosecutors made note of their connections to terrorism.
Jellybean said it’s possible that “three cars being damaged is exactly the same as fifteen Jewish people being killed”.
“Please don’t take my words out of context.”
The Weekly Conspirator has reported Speck Jellybean to the Royal Commission on Antisemitism and Social Cohesion.
Anti-weapons activist Jangly Jones (name changed to protect his identity) said he “hated Josh Brolin’s acting” and “didn’t particularly care for Barbarian either”.
“I yell at Zach Cregger on Twitter at least once a day to make sure he knows that Weapons is a bad movie and that I don’t like it,” Jones said.
“Why are you asking me about the Gaza genocide again?”
Anti-weapons (not anti-Weapons) activist Spongecraig Watkins (name changed to protect her identity) said the authorities “do not have any legal basis to class this incident as an act of terror”.
“I’m no lawyer so I don’t have an ironclad understanding of federal law but it seems pretty clear to me,” Watkins said.
“Looking at most interpretations of the law, one could argue that this constituted a terrorist act because someone seriously damaged property in order to advance an ideological view and to intimidate a section of the public: a very small section of people who sold weapon parts to Israel’s military.
“But most interpretations of the law have exemptions for advocacy and protest, and also state that so long as an incident was not intended to harm a person, it cannot be considered terrorism - there is very little mention of property damage.”
Watkins said this was an especially important decision being made by authorities because “classifying this incident as an act of terrorism opens up a whole can of worms”.
“If a terrorist act involves seriously damaging property, wanting to advance a political or ideological view, and aiming to intimidate a section of the public, then I could walk into McDonald’s tomorrow, smash one of the terminals with a crowbar, yell out ‘Stop eating meat, or else!’ and then be convicted as a terrorist.
“Or maybe I could get elected as president of the United States and immediately increase deportation quotas so my federal personnel detain people without reason to, send them out of the country unjustly, shoot them without cause or leave them to die in horrible circumstances, enacting most of these crimes on specific kinds of people so that they live in fear - uh oh, now everyone who works for ICE and maybe even the president themselves are terrorists.
“Or maybe I turn a blind eye when my government officials and military rape and beat Palestinians or anyone advocating on behalf of Palestinians because we think we deserve their land more than them, or when everyday Israeli citizens burn down the Palestinians’ olive trees - now all of them are terrorists too.
“The US military attacking Iranian facilities because they don’t think they deserve to have nuclear infrastructure, the various Australian councils trying to turn living on the street into a criminal offence and wanting to empower police officers to force people sleeping rough out of the area, and mining companies whose ideological belief in generating capital is prioritised over the health of our own people and of the environment - they’re all terrorists too.
“But I get the impression the law isn’t going to agree with me.”
Speck Jellybean said most people “don’t understand how the world works”.
“Terrorism is committed by extremists,” Jellybean said.
“The US government isn’t made up of extremists - it’s made up of normal people, and normal people are allowed to abduct foreign leaders and kill schoolgirls.
“Normal people allow their governments to do these things, and normal people allow their governments to declare that billionaires and weapons manufacturers are minorities that must be protected by law to maintain social cohesion - it’s only extremists who won’t allow that to happen.
“I don’t think you want to be an extremist - extremists could go to jail for a very, very long time.
“I think you want to be normal.
“Don’t you?”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the government’s motivations.
“I disagree with the reasoning of the authorities in almost every instance,” Figure said.
“A joint statement by the three agencies investigating this matter called the perpetrators extremists - since when are being anti-war or anti-genocide extremist views?
“One of the officers speaking on behalf of the AFP said that the incident caused fear and anguish in our community - the incident happened over a year ago and we’ve already all forgotten about it.
“They want to call it a terror attack but a year on and they're still looking for the terror.”
“And finally, someone speaking on behalf of Victoria Police said that no one should use violence to express a political or social viewpoint.
“Maybe he should tell that to the people killing schoolgirls.”
Provac Australia says reporting racist employee more harmful to business than racist employee
Provac Australia says reporting racist employee more harmful to business than racist employee
A number of Provac vehicles (Image credit - Provac Australia)
Aug 1 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Provac Australia insiders have claimed that it was the sharing of the racist actions of one of its employees that caused it to suffer commercial harm rather than the racism itself.
Two weeks ago, Jessica Roberson witnessed a Provac Australia employee make a racist gesture towards the driver of her car.
She recorded the incident and posted the video online, where it amassed hundreds of thousands of views.
Three days after the video was posted, Provac Australia issued Robserson with a cease-and-desist letter and alleged that the company suffered damages due to her actions.
Provac Australia claimed that Roberson conflated the racist intentions of the employee with the company that employed him, therefore misrepresenting the company as racist.
A lawyer representing the company, Chris Savala, said the incident has led to numerous individuals engaging in “defamatory” conduct online - however, according to Australian law, a company can only be defamed if it has less than ten employees or is a not-for-profit organisation.
Provac Australia has 12 employees according to LinkedIn and does not appear to be a not-for-profit.
It is unclear whether the employee who was recorded engaging in racist behaviour could be held accountable for defaming the company, has been given a similar cease-and-desist letter, or has faced any disciplinary or educational action at all.
Provac Australia insider Frangipani Mayonnaise (name changed to protect his identity) said he wished “more crimes went unnoticed”.
“That’s really where the trouble starts, isn’t it?” Mayonnaise said.
“If someone hadn’t recorded this incident and posted it online, no one would care.
“So yes, I truly believe that the racist has done minimal harm - it’s the spreading of the racism that really does harm.
“Our employee only wanted to be racist against one Asian person, and now because of [Roberson’s] actions, he’s been racist to countless more - this is all [Roberson’s] fault.”
Mayonnaise said that the “message was clear”.
“Spreading information about crimes around is bad - if you witness racism, tax evasion, white collar theft, electoral fraud, reckless driving, abuse of power, or any other crime for that matter, you’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you.”
Australia’s Race Discrimination Commissioner, Giridharan Sivaraman, said that “people are scared to call out racism” because they often face greater consequences than the racists.
Sivaraman blamed the increasing popularity of parties who use racist rhetoric, like Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, for emboldening racists around Australia.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that the blame should fall upon the “people who spread our crazy views around” instead of the party itself.
“Pauline Hanson has been basically complaining to nobody for thirty years but people just keep spreading her views around - her tragic situation really is just like that poor Provac Australia driver who only wanted to be racist to one person but was forced against his will to be racist against many others,” Stick said.
“The people who empower Pauline, and that includes her dear friend Gina Rinehart, are really to blame: they give her money to go all around the world spreading her hateful views.
“And think about all those years where Pauline was speaking into the void - now she’s suddenly got a platform because every single one of you media bozos treats her like a normal person with normal views.
“And let’s not forget the Australian Federal Police - if society really wanted Pauline to stop saying awful, racist things like how there’s no such thing as a good Muslim, then the AFP would charge her with a crime instead of letting her off the hook.”
Stick claimed that most One Nation supporters and members supported the police decision, and that “you lefties should be grateful”.
“We’re allowed to say that there are no good Muslims, and that means you guys can say that all cops are bastards or whatever your stupid slogan is.
“Those two things are exactly the same.”
Police expert and insider Sundried Tomato (name changed to protect his identity) said that the police are “big believers of free speech”.
“You can say there’s no such thing as a good Muslim and you can say there’s no such thing as a good cop and that’s your right as a person - that’s not hate speech, that’s just free speech,” Tomato said.
“But if you said there’s no such thing as a good Jew, then I’d have to report you to the Royal Commission because the Zionist lobby has a lot more money and influence than the Islam lobby and, unfortunately, the police unions.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Provac Australia’s motivations.
“I’m no lawyer but I really don’t think they have a case,” Figure said.
“So a cease-and-desist letter asks a person to cease doing something and agree to never do it again - so what exactly does Provac want Roberson to stop doing?
“If the company’s concern is that Roberson is calling the company racist, then all she really has to do is stop doing that (if she ever was) and start calling the racist employee a racist.
“If they want her to stop recording racist incidents and posting them online so they can face social consequences for their actions, I don’t think they can actually do that."
Hooded Figure then agreed that the media does have a role to play in “maintaining this mythical ‘social cohesion’ the government loves talking about”.
“You know, speaking of the cops or the army or whatever, just this year the Australian army got a new chief, and for the first time ever it’s a woman.
“I remember part of her speech on the news: she said that her appointment was a historic moment for women because ‘you cannot be what you cannot see’, meaning that without a woman in that kind of leadership position, other women can’t even begin to imagine themselves reaching those heights.
“It’s very inspirational but that exact sentiment applies to racists too.
"People didn't want to be racists because they could only see them being ridiculed and shamed - now your everyday racist is seeing someone just like them being gifted a private plane, and they're thinking 'that could be me'."
Government says the only way to ‘prevent the end of the world’ is to build more datacentres
Government says the only way to ‘prevent the end of the world’ is to build more datacentres
Minister Robyn Cahill (Image credit - ABC News: Michael Franchi)
Jul 25 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
The federal government has sided with a Northern Territory minister who said that failing to build more data centres could result in the North and South Poles flipping.
NT minister for trade and business Robyn Cahill said last week that if too much water accrued underground “it actually impacts the axis of the Earth”, and that building more datacentres to use that water would prevent global catastrophe.
In fact, insiders from the government have gone even further, claiming that building more datacentres wouldn’t just prevent the poles from flipping, but numerous other natural disasters.
“It makes sense, right?” said federal Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity).
“If we cut all the trees in the outback down to make room for datacentres, bushfires can’t spread anymore.
“And if we build them really tall and all in a line and reinforce them, we could use them as a wall against floodwaters, which would protect people’s homes while also keeping the datacentres cool.
“And look, sure, maybe we’ll all run out of water and experience a massive drought and the collapse of modern civilisation and end up like in Mad Max, but the end of air travel in and out of Australia would mean no viral pandemics or zombie apocalypses, so that’s pretty good!
“We’ve got nothing to worry about!”
Jellybean then revealed that datacentres wouldn’t just reduce the impact of natural disasters and apocalypses because of their physical properties, but that more of them had to be built to prevent the end of the world because of a Faustian pact the government has made with a “dark entity”.
“We need your data to fulfil our end of the bargain,” Jellybean said.
“We need the data - we hunger for data.
“You want to prevent the end of the world, don’t you?
“Then you must let us build these datacentres and you must give us all of your sensitive data, or else we will undergo a great and terrible implosion that will spell the end of the world as we know it, and all of those distant gods, so high above us, will enact their wrath upon us to a degree we’ve never seen before, unleashing true horror onto us for a brief yet agonising moment.”
The upcoming test of a new emergency notification system, AusAlert, is part of this government scheme to access the personal data of its citizens, according to insiders.
At 2pm AEST on Monday July 27, a test alert will be sent to every single mobile device connected to Australia’s telecommunications network to ensure the national system works as intended.
Although representatives from the National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) claimed the system is one-way and does not receive any data from someone’s personal device, insiders claim otherwise.
NEMA insider Spoodle Flail (name changed to protect his identity) said that once the alert goes out on Monday, “all hell will break loose”.
“The government will know your name, the government will know your phone number, the government will know your home address, and the government will know your birthdate, your tax information, whether you have a driver’s license or not, whether you’re enrolled to vote, where you work and who you bank with - the government will know everything,” Flail said.
“The only way to prevent this from happening is to wrap your phone in three layers of aluminium foil, put your phone into a toaster, set the toaster to exactly five, put the toaster into a microwave, and then put the microwave into the backseat of a Toyota Hilux, specifically the 2021 Rugged X, or an Audi Q3, but not the new one because my wife doesn’t like that one, she wants the 2018 model - I mean, because only those cars resonate at the right frequency to disrupt radioactive telecommunication waves.
“Then you must bring all of those things to my apartment and give me the keys to the car so I can park it inside of my garage, replace my broken microwave and toaster with yours, and then return the phone to you after performing a cybersecurity ritual on it to protect you from this ‘dark entity’ the government has bargained with.
“I’ll even pay for your Uber home, but I’ll pay in cash - you have to give Uber your own credit card information, I don’t trust them with my data.”
Speck Jellybean said that she knows who Spoodle Flail really is and that we “shouldn’t trust him”.
“I mean, it’s pretty obvious he just wants a new car and some kitchen appliances, right?
“Members of the Australian public aren’t so gullible to believe that wrapping their phones in foil or putting them in the microwave is an effective way of protecting their personal data…right?
“Anyway, we already know all of that information that ’Spoodle’ is so worried about us accessing, that dark entity we have a Faustian pact with is late-stage capitalism, and the apocalyptic crisis I was talking about was the bursting of the AI bubble propping up the Western economy.
“I want to make it incredibly clear that the economy is younger than humanity, that humanity existed without an economy for tens of thousands of years, and that humanity will probably outlive any kind of global economy too - that being said, it’s very important you give us your data and that we build these datacentres to prop up the economy.
“Also what kind of name is Spoodle, anyway?
“We give you valuable, true information that can’t be found anywhere else and you treat us like some kind of joke!”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the government’s motivations.
“I know that minister - Robyn Cahill - personally,” Figure revealed.
“She comes to the university a lot, we talk about conspiracies often, and if I’m being honest I think she took one of my little jokes a bit too seriously.
“Anyway, sure, this is about securing Australian data on Australian soil and making it less susceptible to a cyberattack, but let’s also make one thing clear, this really is all about money.
“The private companies building and maintaining the datacentres need money, and the government needs money to pay other private companies to rip people off, and since those industries have been privatised for so long, the government doesn’t even know how those industries work so they can’t even judge if their money is being spent wisely or not and the taxpayer is being ripped off when that contract gets drawn initially too!
“This Faustian pact sucks.”
Pauline Hanson wanted Australia to be a monoculture - now she’s holidaying in Sicily
Pauline Hanson wanted Australia to be a monoculture - now she’s holidaying in Sicily
Gina Rinehart and Pauline Hanson (Image credit - ABC News: Chloe Chomicki)
Jul 18 2026 - Europe correspondent Spigot Wazzle reporting
Pauline Hanson has been seen at a luxury resort in Sicily weeks after she told the National Press Club that Australia should be a “monocultural society”.
Hanson went to Italy to take a break from a week-long tour of the UK, where she’s already spoken to far-right figure and convicted criminal Tommy Robinson (name changed to protect his real identity: Stephen Yaxley-Lennon) and will be speaking to Count Binface’s archnemesis Nigel Farage at this weekend’s CPAC in London.
Hanson is in the UK on a “fact finding mission”, but since she will only be speaking to figures from the far-right and visiting places that prove their point of view, The Weekly Conspirator understands that this mission will fail.
The One Nation leader was seen at the resort with her alleged friend Gina Rinehart, who is in town to see a fashion show put on by non-Australian fashion brand Dolce & Gabbana.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said Hanson was not in Italy to “enjoy a foreign culture” but to “see what a successful monoculture actually looks like”.
“Let me make one thing clear: while Hanson is abroad, she’s only eating Australian foods,” Stick said.
“In the UK she’s eating meat pies and fish and chips, and in Italy she’s eating chicken parmas and spag bols - none of this fancy, immigrant nonsense like bruschetta or ravioli, yuck!
“No, Italy is one of the most successful monocultures in the world - one that hasn’t undergone a single change in thousands of years - and she is there to see how exactly they’ve maintained their culture for so long with no foreign interference whatsoever.”
European Broadcasting Union insider and the only Italian man The Weekly Conspirator knows Dito Viscido (name changed to protect his identity) said Hanson “came to the right place” if she wanted to see a “monoculture in action”.
“The Roman Empire is alive and well,” Viscido said.
“We still host gladiator fights in the Colosseum, we are all loyal to our Emperor, we speak ancient Latin, and we have our own unique pagan religion that definitely wasn't influenced by the ancient Greeks.
“Wait, this Pauline of yours is staying in Sicily!?
“Oh no, they aren’t real Italians, not like us mainlanders - they think they're better than us just because they speak a slightly different language and the Cosa Nostra's from there.
"Those Sicilians have been ruining our monoculture ever since we got that stupid island!"
One Nation insiders allege that Hanson went to Italy because there weren't any Muslims there, but research suggests that at least one and a half million Muslims live in Italy.
“Sure, the statistics say there are lots of Muslims living in Italy but Pauline didn’t see any in her luxury resort so that’s obviously false,” Stick said.
“And even if there were Muslims in Italy, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be eating yucky foods like biryani or doner kebab and would instead be eating normal white Italian foods like that cheese with the maggots in it or that cake made of pig blood and chocolate.
“Also, look, I’m going to be completely honest with you: I just learned that it was the Spanish that introduced the tomato into Italy.
“The Spanish are responsible for chicken parmas - I just can't believe it.
"It's almost like there's no such thing as a monoculture.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Tommy Robinson’s motivations.
“Why doesn’t he just use his real name?” Figure asked.
“It can’t be a race thing because ‘Stephen Yaxley-Lennon’ sounds even more English than ‘Tommy Robinson’, so it’s probably a misogyny thing - I reckon the poor guy doesn’t want to admit that one of his ancestors had enough rights to get to keep her surname as well.
“What’s the deal with double-barrelled surnames, anyway?
“I think it’s a very short-sighted solution - what if their kid ends up in a marriage and they have to add another surname onto their surname?
“Are those people gonna have three surnames?
“And then those people’s kids might marry someone who wants to keep their surname, and so on and so on, until people have ten surnames each all bolted together with hyphens - it’s political correctness gone mad!”
When asked to comment about Pauline Hanson’s holiday in Italy, Hooded Figure stopped pacing back and forth, sat down again, and after catching his breath, finally quoted Mark Twain, saying “travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness”.
“Unfortunately, Pauline’s meeting as many people as she can to counteract that.”
AI not costing jobs, government says; Madonna, far-right say otherwise
AI not costing jobs, government says; Madonna, far-right say otherwise
Madonna (Image credit - Rafael Pavarotti)
Jul 11 2026 - joint report by Patricia Dinkum, Jim Schemozzle and Spigot Wazzle
A government study has found that the rise of AI in the workplace has done little to negatively impact the Australian job market.
In fact, the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations found that the market is still going strong and unemployment has remained low since the release of ChatGPT and the similar AI models that followed it.
The report also found that the number of entry positions has grown, indicating that new workers are still needed and valued, and that employment in occupations most susceptible to being replaced by AI models had risen rather than decreased.
Although there was some concern that industries were not growing at the same rate they would have before these AI models were introduced to the market, the report indicated that employment growth in these occupations was already slowing before the introduction of these AI models.
As such, the government has no additional plans to regulate the implementation of AI other than the relatively hands-off National AI Plan released last year.
Madonna is allegedly furious at the results of the report according to an inside source, despite not being an Australian citizen.
Man five degrees of separation away from Madonna, Divine Intercession (name changed to protect his identity) said the advancement of AI has “dethroned” Madonna.
“Madonna used to be the Queen of Pop, but now AI is the Queen of Pop, and the King of Pop, and the King of Rock and Roll, and the Archangel of Crete, and the Voice of Asia,” he said.
Intercession said that Josh Fawaz’s version of Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’, which made it to the ARIA Top 100 despite being either largely or completely AI-generated, is a “threat to [Madonna’s] life”.
The song also charted in the UK and continues to get airplay on commercial Australian radio stations.
“That should be her up there, not this AI abomination!” Intercession said.
“Ever since Madonna started making music, she’s made it to the Billboard top ten at least once every decade, and she has to make it to the top ten this decade to sustain her life force.
“Yes, I’m aware this fake cover or remix or whatever you want to call it didn’t even make it to the top ten, and it’s not even on the Billboard charts, but this sets a dangerous precedent.
“This decade’s almost over and charlatans like Josh are depriving Madonna of airplay with their fake music - how is she supposed to stay looking so young and fresh if she doesn’t chart!?
“AI covers of her songs aren’t just stealing her job, they’re stealing precious years from her life.”
Members of the German far-right also fear for their jobs following the development of AI software that can generate social media posts consistent with far-right rhetoric.
The Bundestag parliamentary party Alternative for Germany (AfD) intends to use this software, called Alternita, to quickly generate posts to promote itself, with the software already in use by AfD co-leader Alice Weidel.
Alternita appears to be based on Google Gemini, OpenAI’s ChatGPT and Anthropic’s Claude but, according to AfD social media chief Mario Hau, is “tailor-made for the AfD”.
Online grifter and content creator Reverse Gutwrench (name changed to protect his identity) said he risks losing his job.
“My job is to translate wordy news articles into buzzwords the general public can understand, but if the AfD has an AI program that can do that, there goes my whole career,” Gutwrench said.
“Without fearmaxxing about immigrants every two hours on social media, how am I going to persuade people to sign up to my course ‘How to Become Fascist-pilled in Two Days’ now?
“I guess I’ll just have to go back to my old money-making tactic of prompting AIs to make country music that makes men feel insecure about their height so they buy shoes with a hidden heel in them.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the government’s motivations.
“I fail to understand how the government can say that just because AI isn’t causing job losses now, there’s no need to harshly legislate it,” Figure said.
“This is climate change all over again - action needs to be taken now before things get worse, because they will get worse.”
Figure also questioned the honesty of tech companies that said they were laying people off due to AI.
Earlier this year, WiseTech Global cut 2,000 jobs and planned for AI to fill some of the gaps, Atlassian cut 1,600 jobs and intended to use the money saved to invest in AI, and this week, Microsoft announced it plans to cut 2 per cent of its workforce to help it do the same.
“People might not be getting directly replaced by AI but that’s where the money’s going, instead of to people,” Figure said.
“In that sense, two possibilities exist: either the government report is wrong and more jobs are being lost to AI than we think, or those companies lied to us when they said they were firing people because of AI.
“Both are equally terrifying.”
Labor insiders confirm that the party doesn’t ‘want to appeal to voters’
Labor insiders confirm that the party doesn’t ‘want to appeal to voters’
Prime minister Anthony Albanese and treasurer Jim Chalmers (Image credit - ABC News: Matt Roberts)
Jul 4 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Labor insiders have clarified the prime minister’s and treasurer’s anti-populist comments made earlier this week by saying that the party isn’t interested in appealing to voters.
Treasurer Jim Chalmers said in an interview that the best way to address people’s “legitimate concerns” that “the status quo is not working” is to try and solve those concerns through legislation.
On Wednesday, prime minister Anthony Albanese simply listed all the changes the Labor government has made so far to ease the cost-of-living crisis, including increasing minimum wage, ensuring petrol and diesel prices stayed low during July, and being tough on supermarkets committing price gouging.
The treasurer considers these methods - of acting instead of grandstanding - to be a proper counter to populism.
“We don’t care what anybody else thinks,” said Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) about appealing to the public.
“We don’t want to appeal to voters, we just want to do our jobs.
“Look at all of our leaders this century: Bill Shorten, Kevin Rudd, Albo of course, even Julia Gillard, they’re just a bunch of daggy white people.
“Populism only works when you have a charismatic leader like Pauline Hanson - we can’t compete with that and, frankly, we don’t want to compete with that because the Labor party hasn’t been known for that kind of thing for a long time.”
High school English teacher Spindly Gedunk (name changed to protect her identity) said Labor only thinks this way because “most people don’t know what populism is”.
“Populism doesn’t need a charismatic leader,” she said.
“Populism is when the common person is emphasised over any other ruling group, so at face value, the Labor party could be considered a populist party because they always say they’re for the working-class Australian,” she said.
“People call Pauline Hanson a populist, and that’s partially-right, but more accurately she’s a demagogue: yes, she pits the common people against the elites, but she also appeals to the emotions instead of presenting strong policy and outright lies and exaggerates to get her point across.”
Gedunk then expressed frustration about the word ‘populism’, saying its “varied history makes defining it almost impossible”.
“I regularly have arguments with the teachers who teach Civics and Citizenship and History about what 'populism' actually is,” she said.
“I mean, how can Thomas Sankara, the Occupy movement, Donald Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu all be populist?
“Language is meant to make communication easier, but all this senseless talk of ‘populism’ just muddies the waters more than anything else!
“There’s literally nothing inherently wrong with being populist and there’s no reason why the Labor party couldn’t start being a populist party, couldn’t start solving the common person’s problems, couldn’t build more social housing and tax the billionaires, and couldn’t appeal to all of our emotions while they do those things!”
Speck Jellybean seemed confused by this approach.
“Emotions?” she asked.
“Politics isn’t about emotions, it’s about boring paperwork and legalese and telling the other party that their policy is bad and that your policy is good, or if their policy actually is good, you find something else to complain about, like accusing them of over-promising and under-delivering or that they’re spending too much money.
“What do you mean politicians could be rousing the emotions and passions of the common person to garner their support?
“The everyday person can’t be passionate about politics, they’re far too dumb to understand it - that’s why we have to do it all for them!”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Labor party’s motivations.
“Are they nervous?” Figure asked.
“Are they embarrassed to be excited about politics, to want us to be passionate about it as well?
“Let’s look at this bonkers news that came out: apparently house prices are so high in Australia that the value of every single piece of residential land and dwelling put together is higher than the GDP of Japan, India and the UK combined.
“This is obviously ridiculous, so why wouldn’t the government wanna fire us up by saying they’re capping home ownership or making it so that the maximum rent you can charge goes down as you own more properties or some other smart law that I can’t think of because I studied a useless degree at a fake university that only gets interviews with you guys.
“Then after announcing the good news, they get us all dancing and cheering, and before you know it Albo’s waving around his green-and-gold while chanting ‘Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!’ and we’re all doing shoeys.
“The common person being super-engaged with politics is actually really beneficial to a democracy, so stop acting so high-and-mighty about populism and become populists!”
Republicans pretend to clean up after their bad decisions; Democrats furious: ‘That’s our job!’
Republicans pretend to clean up after their bad decisions; Democrats furious: ‘That’s our job!’
Algae in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool (Image credit - Getty Images: Chip Somodevilla)
Jun 27 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Democrats and Republicans have had bitter arguments behind closed doors about the future of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, according to inside sources.
The U.S. federal government recently spent around $15 million on a botched renovation of the Reflecting Pool.
A darker paint than before was applied to the base of the pool, which led to the pool attracting and retaining more heat, which led to increased algae growth within the water.
Additionally, clips have been shared online showing the paint peeling from the base of the pool, which would seem to indicate that the paint was not properly applied.
This week, House Republican Tim Burchett suggested the government forgo restoring the pool to its previous appearance and instead continue fostering an ecosystem with “fish in there and everything”.
Republican insider Bobby Turnbuckle (name changed to protect his identity) said that this was “always the plan”.
“We’re currently debating whether we stop at fish or start introducing things like alligators and leeches into this brand new ecosystem that gives back to Mother Nature like we always intended,” Turnbuckle said.
“If the American public lets us get away with something like that, we could finally shed our human masks and live among our fellow reptiles where we belong, and no one will judge us anymore for killing and eating people.”
Turnbuckle also stressed how the Reflecting Pool could still keep its name after they had transformed it into a haven for swamp life.
“When we’re done with it, the only thing that pool will be reflecting is the sorry state of affairs our government is in: slimy, filthy, and a breeding ground for parasites.”
Democrat insider Fried Weasel (name changed to protect her identity) claimed the Republicans are “stealing their thunder”.
“Getting a bad deal for the American people while looking like we’re cleaning up the Republican party’s mistakes is what the Democrats are famous for,” Weasel said.
“They’re getting a bad deal with Iran, we haven’t heard about any unjustified ICE shootings in a while, and now they’re trying to turn this Reflecting Pool into a pro-nature thing.
“How are we supposed to make it look like we’re moving away from authoritarianism without doing anything to actually prevent it when they keep cleaning up after themselves?”
Fried Weasel then stressed that the Democrats would have returned the Reflecting Pool to its “former glory” but did not say what they would do to hold any Republican accountable for the numerous laws broken by going to war with Iran, empowering ICE beyond their duties and resulting in countless deaths, demolishing the East Wing of the White House, trafficking people out of the country, preventing the IRS from ever investigating the Trump family’s taxes ever again, attempting to end birthright citizenship, conducting mass firings of probationary federal employees, freezing foreign aid, utilising the military and National Guard to intervene in civil matters, requesting press at the Pentagon to sign unlawful pledges, cancelling investigations into Republican bribery, shutting down the government and blaming the Democrats, using government money while the government was shut down, killing instead of rescuing shipwrecked people, etc.
Weasel said that if they did address these things, it “would only be in a performative way that doesn’t prevent the Republicans from doing stuff like that again when they get elected again”.
“But let’s talk about the Reflecting Pool again, oh yeah, we’d make that thing reflect the sun again, like it should,” she said.
“The way it is now, and the way it will be if Mr Burchett has his way, the only thing that pool will be reflecting is the sorry state of affairs our government is in: slimy, filthy, and a breeding ground for parasites.
“What do you mean they said that already?
“Calling the Republicans corrupt and greedy and stupid, that’s our job - they can’t take that from us as well!”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Republican party’s motivations.
“First of all, I highly doubt that any Republicans are reptiles in human skin-suits like people say, but that would explain why [Donald] Trump falls asleep when not in direct sunlight, appears to be nocturnal, uses make-up to cover his poor health, has a resort in Florida, and has taken more cognitive tests than any president before him,” Figure said.
“Well, okay, maybe he’s secretly a reptile and sure, Peter Thiel’s name is an anagram of ‘The Reptile’ but that’s all besides the point.
“The point is that one of the men who led the American Revolution, one of the founding fathers, and the second ever president of the United States, John Adams, considered a system where there are only two political parties working in opposition to each other to be, I believe as he said it, ‘the greatest political evil’.
“And we can see why that’s such a problem right now - Donald Trump enacts incredibly destructive policies that can’t possibly be rectified in a single Democrat term, the Democrats get blamed for problems that the Republicans started, and then the Republicans get elected again so they can keep making things worse.”
Hooded Figure then complained about the Electoral College, Reaganomics, gerrymandering, and the consolidation of wealth and media influence for fifty minutes, comparing the situation to a rat-king Ouroboros.
“It’s no wonder the other news websites never interview me, this whole mess takes way too long to explain, let alone solve!
“Well, I can think of a few solutions, but they aren’t exactly legal - and of course, only certain very powerful people can break laws without any repercussions.
“Killing a millionaire gets you life in prison; killing 150 schoolgirls gets you paid.”
Birthkeeper charged $6000 to act as a ‘supportive friend’; conservatives and billionaires say ‘Wow, that’s cheap!’
Birthkeeper charged $6000 to act as a ‘supportive friend’; conservatives and billionaires say ‘Wow, that’s cheap!’
Unregistered birthkeeper Emily Lal (centre) (Image credit - AAP: Con Chronis)
Jun 20 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
A woman who charged $6000 to act as birthkeeper for a freebirth that proved fatal to the mother last year said at an inquest this week that she was only there to act as a “supportive friend”.
Freebirths are births that are conducted with no medical personnel present, and people who choose freebirths usually decide to have little or no medical oversight throughout the pregnancy as well.
Stacey Warnecke died after her husband and the birthkeeper, Emily Lal, decided not to call an ambulance when Warnecke started bleeding severely following childbirth.
When an ambulance was eventually called and Warnecke was taken to hospital, medical staff went through the hospital’s entire supply of her blood type but were unable to save her.
Billionaires and conservatives all around the world refused to mourn the tragic loss of life due to the negligence and manipulation of the freebirth movement, and instead touted the incredible deal Warnecke had gotten on her friend.
A representative for Gina Rinehart, Fraggle Rock (name changed to protect her identity) said that Rinehart was incredibly jealous of the deal.
“Gina needed to gift a private jet, numerous trips around Australia and to the USA, wagyu beef, clothes, hats, and to run a fundraiser event aboard her cruise ship until Pauline called her a friend,” Rock said.
“So to get a friend for only six thousand dollars is an incredible deal.
“And even more impressive is how Lal is following pretty much everything the Free Birth Society tells students to do to avoid legal consequences.”
Rock then listed how Emilee Saldaya and Yolande Norris-Clark, two key figures of the Free Birth Society, encouraged students to lie to doctors, police, and journalists, to give fake names to hospitals, and discouraged them from immediately calling for emergency services if children die during a freebirth.
She then expressed satisfaction with Pauline Hanson’s conduct at the National Press Club.
“That trip to CPAC [Conservative Political Action Conference] in Florida last year really helped Pauline get her talking points down: she hates queers, immigrants and public broadcasters, just like our idol, Dozing Donald Trump.”
Elon Musk and Donald Trump also became friends after Musk donated $277 million to Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign.
While Musk and Trump were friends, Musk led a fake department called the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), which he used to enrich himself, gain access to sensitive data, fire essential employees, and cut programs that led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people.
Musk had a feud with Trump in 2025 and the two fell out but they became friends again so they could go on a business trip to China earlier this year.
A representative for Musk, Michael Myers (name changed to protect his identity), said the “constant back-and-forth is so bizarre.”
“I remember one time, he started trying to smash a bottle open on a table, and he was screaming ‘It’s not me, it’s not me!’ but luckily he was too weak to actually break the bottle open to hurt anyone with it.
“That was when things were really bad, but then a few months later, he was on the doorstep of the White House apologising to Trump and saying that he was on MDMA…and ketamine, and mushrooms, and Adderall.
“And now he’s back to donating to the Republicans again.
“So yeah, all of that to say that Musk would love to have a friend for six thousand dollars and if you know anyone who would like to be Musk’s friend for six thousand dollars, I want you to meet him.
“He really can’t afford to keep throwing hundreds of millions of dollars around just to make friends - what do you think he is, some kind of trillionaire?
"I'm not joking, he isn't a trillionaire - SpaceX is massively overvalued."
Meanwhile, poorer conservatives who are less connected to the ruling elite and don’t have millions of dollars and wagyu beef to throw around have to resort to other methods of making friends.
For example, Republicans have been spending months trying to defame the Democrat nominee for this year’s U.S. Senate election, James Talarico, by calling him transgender and a vegan.
These are not defamatory accusations to most people but are to Republicans because they have spent decades turning outside groups into scapegoats to create division among the working class.
Texas attorney general Kenneth Paxton challenged Talarico to meet him at a barbecue restaurant to have a real barbecue lunch so he could prove he wasn't a vegan.
Democrat insider Christian Right (name changed to protect his identity) said the party, and especially Talarico, were “confused by the offer”.
“That’s not a challenge - Paxton is literally just asking Talarico to hang out.
“It’s like we’re a bunch of teenagers playing Truth or Dare and it’s Paxton’s turn, and he just said ‘I dare you to date me and to make the date really nice and for us to have a good date’.
“We can only assume the next stage of Paxton’s master plan is to hang out with Talarico enough to prove he’s a cisgender man, and who can say how he's planning on doing that.”
Republican insider Christian Wrong (name changed to protect his identity) refused to comment on the matter.
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the billionaires’ motivations.
“What’s sad is that a woman died a tragic and preventable death and the first thing I’m going to do is start attacking billionaires, but I think I’m making a good point here,” Figure said.
“I just don’t understand their game plan.
“So these billionaires and wannabe-fascists are anti-abortion because they want the population to keep going up so the world has more workers and more people to buy things so they make more money.
“But the conservatives that they’ve aligned with are also anti-vaccine and anti-science and anti-medicine - you know, the kind of stances that let organisations like the Free Birth Society convince women that they don’t need medical care to give birth, resulting in danger and death to the women and their babies.
“So under their rule, more babies will be born but also more babies will die and more mothers who want to have children will die, and children growing up will be more susceptible to preventable diseases because they never got vaccinated - they want the population to grow but all their crackpot ideas are leading to more senseless death than anything else.
“I don’t think these people have a plan at all - I think they just hate us.”
Australian Border Force justifies decision to detain woman tortured by Israeli soldiers: ‘We were looking for antisemitism’
Australian Border Force justifies decision to detain woman tortured by Israeli soldiers: ‘We were looking for antisemitism’
Juliet Lamont (Image credit - AAP: Bianca De Marchi)
Jun 13 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Insiders from the Australian Border Force (ABF) said they were acting in the interests of “national security” when they detained returning activist and torture survivor Juliet Lamont last month.
The Israeli navy illegally intercepted Juliet Lamont, along with over 400 other people, as they were trying to administer humanitarian aid to Gaza via a flotilla of boats on May 18.
Israeli soldiers then detained them for at least four days, and the detainees attest to witnessing or experiencing rape, sexual violence, starvation and dehydration, sleep deprivation, and physical violence, including being beaten, tasered, shot at with rubber bullets and having stun grenades thrown at them.
Israel Defense Forces (IDF) and Israel’s ambassador to Australia denied these allegations, even though numerous people returning to Australia suffered broken bones, cuts and bruises.
Lamont herself suffered a broken tailbone.
Earlier this week it was revealed that when Lamont returned home, the ABF detained her and threatened to arrest her if she did not allow them access to her phone and laptop.
ABF insider Bingo Bongo (name changed to protect his identity) said that their actions were necessary to “ensure national security”.
“These people are anti-Israel, so we were, uh, looking for antisemitism, which they could easily smuggle back into the country,” Bongo said.
“And, you know, no one likes antisemitism, right?
“Okay, well, what about this: people on board were sanctioned by the United States over alleged Hamas links, so we were looking for Hamas - is that a good reason?
“What do you mean people have tried that one before and no one believed it?”
Woman who religiously watches Border Security: Australia’s Front Line, Jemima Spartacus (name changed to protect her identity) said she had her suspicions as to why the ABF requested access to Lamont’s mobile phone and laptop.
“Well, on one episode of Border Security, I remember one guy had a violent video on his phone, and the guard fined him and made him delete it before he was allowed into the country,” Spartacus said.
“It might be the case that there was proof of what happened to her on her phone, and considering what happened to her was really awful, that would be ‘violent content’, and so the guards might decide to delete it.
"We live in a pretty silly world if that's a good enough reason to delete evidence.
“There's no shortage of evidence over there in Israel anyway, because these IDF guys love recording themselves doing all sorts of terrible things and posting those clips to social media or using it as blackmail."
Spartacus said that if the ABF had “real security concerns” about what was on Lamont’s phone and laptop, it should have “communicated that to the public”.
“You know, the Pentagon is compromised, they think Israel is spying on them, and we should be worried too.
“For all we know, the IDF did put bugs or tracking devices or malware or whatever on her devices, and Border Force should tell us that kind of thing so it doesn’t just look like they’re traumatising an already traumatised individual.
“But something tells me they wouldn’t be allowed to say that out loud.”
According to Michael West Media, of the 800 or so Australians who have returned to Australia from IDF service, none of them have had their phones seized by the ABF.
“Well, an IDF soldier can’t be antisemitic - that’s like saying a woman can be a misogynist, it’s literally impossible,” Bongo said.
“And besides, what kind of risk would someone who served in a foreign country that has been trying to influence Australian politics actually pose to us anyway?
“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t meant to admit that - what I meant to say was, what kind of risk would someone who committed war crimes themselves, or watched their fellow soldiers rape, beat and torture prisoners, pose to us anyway?
Oh, sorry, I wasn’t meant to admit that either.”
Professor of Conspiracies of the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the ABF’s motivations.
“I’m old enough to remember when the Border Force was called the Border Protection Service,” Figure said.
“I dunno about you but it seems to me that whenever you rebrand a service as a force, you start attracting the wrong kind of person.
“And I bet whenever that happens too, they start training their staff to be enforcers instead of servants, so all the nice ones leave and only the meatheads remain.
“That’s why these meatheads throw their power around: because using force is right there in the name.
Professor Figure said he “didn’t have much else to say about the meat and potatoes of this week’s story”.
“I miss when conspiracies were a fun little diversion, relegated entirely to fringe movements like people believing the Earth’s flat or aliens and Bigfoot are real,” Figure said.
“It turns out the real conspiracy, the real lie that we’ve been told all our lives, is the concept of justice.”
One Nation justifies anti-abortion stance during cost-of-living crisis: ‘We are evil’
One Nation justifies anti-abortion stance during cost-of-living crisis: ‘We are evil’
One Nation MP Barnaby Joyce speaking at an anti-choice rally (Image credit - AAP)
Jun 6 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
A One Nation insider defended the party’s decision to spout anti-abortion rhetoric during a cost-of-living and housing crisis.
One Nation MP Barnaby Joyce spoke at a Sydney anti-choice rally last Tuesday, where he expressed support for a ban on sex-selective abortions - an abortion conducted because the child is not the sex the parent wanted.
In 2020, less than one per cent of abortions were performed because of sex selection, and most of them were “likely to be reporting errors” because they were done before a child’s sex could be determined, according to NSW Health.
The week before Tuesday’s anti-abortion rally, its organiser Joanna Howe came under scrutiny when she used an image of two sugar glider joeys and claimed that they were human foetuses.
More broadly, One Nation’s stance on abortion is to “seek every opportunity to roll back brutal and extreme abortion law”, according to their website - even though more Australians than ever can’t afford to have more children because they are struggling to find a house and pay their bills.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that there are “only a handful of ways” to explain the party’s anti-choice stance.
“Either we want to preserve life because we are devout Christians, we hate women and want them to suffer because we are evil, or we don’t know anything about decades of medical science and we are idiots.
“Now, it’s pretty obvious the first one is false, because Pauline Hanson has spent decades telling the Australian public how unfair it would be for a religious institution to tell the rest of us how to live our lives, so that just leaves the other two.
“And we pretty much welcome the Australian public to take their pick.”
Our U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle happened to be vacationing at Spofford Lake in New Hampshire, where some of George Carlin’s ashes were scattered.
Spofford Lake has been haunted by George Carlin ever since Donald Trump’s first presidential term, and his ghost freely speaks with reporters, but charges money for comedy routines.
The Weekly Conspirator requested Schemozzle to interview Carlin’s ghost, and at great risk to our correspondent’s health, he did.
“I can’t believe you’re all still talkin’ about this thirty years later,” Carlin’s ghost said.
“Conservatives are evil, plain and simple; they don’t care about babies, they don’t care about women, they don’t care about helping people.
“What they care about is control - they’ll do everything they can to make sure we’re following whatever dumb law they’ve decided to enforce this month, but God forbid the rest of us hold them to the same standard when they break the rules.
“Everything I said thirty years ago, forty years ago, it’s all the same now as it was back then, and if that doesn’t make it clear to ya that conservatives have no spine, no brain and no heart, I dunno what will!”
Schemozzle would have continued to interview Carlin’s ghost, but the usually-calm waters of Spofford Lake became increasingly violent until he was unable to remain in the area.
“Tell those clowns in office to set up a hydroelectric dam right here,” Carlin said before Schemozzle was forced to leave.
“These waters are churning, all right, because every time I read the news, I have another heart attack - and I’ve been dead for 18 years, that shouldn’t be possible!”
One Nation insider Musk Stick said that the Australian public should not listen to George Carlin’s ghost, stating that he “probably isn’t even real”.
Instead, voters should heed the words and deeds of Barnaby Joyce.
“One Nation rejects the notion that Barnaby Joyce is anti-abortion because he hates women,” Stick said.
“In fact, Barnaby loves women - he loves women so much that he had an extramarital affair, and by my math that’s two women at the same time.
“So many men out there only love one woman, and they have the gall to call Barnaby a woman hater?
“If anybody in Australian parliament hates women, it’s Anthony Albanese - let’s not forget that when Barnaby Joyce was found swearing in public because he was drunk, Albo let Barnaby explain himself, but when Lidia Thorpe was found swearing in public because she was drunk, he called her behaviour ‘unacceptable’ and that her actions weren’t ‘normal’ and all that.
“A vote for One Nation is a vote for men to love as many women as they want without consequences!”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned One Nation’s motivations.
“Are they trying to play the 'idiot' card again?” Figure asked.
“Well, let me make one thing clear: they’re not idiots.
“This is a wedge issue intentionally designed to divide Australians and stoke the flames of the culture war so that we get distracted from the class war.
“Let’s not forget that we have a record number of billionaires in Australia and it isn’t people getting abortions making our lives worse - it’s them.
“So, since they aren’t doing this because they’re devout Christians, and they aren’t doing it because they’re idiots, the only remaining option is that One Nation is, quite genuinely, harmful and evil.”
News Corp explains: PM who owns two rental properties bad; professional landlord who owns 150 rental properties good
News Corp explains: PM who owns two rental properties bad; professional landlord who owns 150 rental properties good
Sam Gordon (Image credit - Sam Gordon)
May 30 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
News Corp Australia insiders have clarified this week why some landlords, like Australian prime minister Anthony Albanese, are criticised while others, like resource-hoarding dragon Sam Gordon, are not.
On May 13, news.com.au ran a story critical of the prime minister, accusing him of hypocrisy and “pulling the ladder up behind him”.
Detractors made these accusations following the recent federal budget, where the government announced numerous changes that would make it less profitable to sell off certain investments or run them at a loss.
The prime minister currently has two rental properties, and the federal opposition argued that the prime minister was “stopping the next generation of Australians from using the very opportunities he has personally benefited from” by announcing the changes in the budget.
A similar article was run by news.com.au on May 20, and both articles go into incredibly specific detail about the dollar-value of the prime minister’s investments.
On May 23, news.com.au ran another article critical of the budget featuring “professional landlord” Sam Gordon, who owns 150 properties.
The article does not feature anyone accusing Gordon of hypocrisy or denying the next generation of opportunities, and does not break down how much Gordon’s portfolio is worth.
“We like money,” News Corp insider Sensei Chanel (name changed to protect his identity) said.
“Albo and Gordon are practically the same man: they were both told at a young age to invest in property by a parent, and they both spent time as members of the working class before finding their current success.
“But the reality is that Gordon wants to uphold the status quo which allows the rich to invest in property to the detriment of the poor while Albo wants to very, very slightly even the playing field.
“So we don’t like that and we’ll do whatever we can to make him look bad.”
A representative for Sam Gordon, Slathbog Smaug (name changed to protect her identity) said Gordon was planning on suing News Corp for misrepresenting him.
“When the headline comes up on a search engine, it fails to tell the Australian public just how many properties Sam Gordon owns,” Smaug said.
“Then on the actual webpage, the headline says he owns 100 properties, the subtitle of the first image says he owns ‘over 80’, and then the lede says he owns ‘over 150 properties’.
“Why is News Corp making it seem like Gordon is embarrassed about being rich and successful?
“He is definitely not embarrassed - he talks about being rich and successful all the time, that’s his whole personality.”
Chanel denied these allegations.
“I don’t know what it is about these rich people and thinking that everything revolves around them,” Chanel said.
“We aren’t fudging those numbers to embarrass him, we’re doing it to swindle the Australian public into thinking he’s helping them instead of denying over 150 first-home-buyers the opportunity to buy a home.
“Why do you think we included that stupid line about him raising rent by $60 if the market average goes up by $100?
“Meanwhile, when we talk about Albo’s rental properties, all we can talk about is how he oh so cruelly evicted his tenant and how he’s failing to sell the property for the price he wants because he’s a greedy pig.”
When The Weekly Conspirator questioned Chanel about why news.com.au chose not to run an article about Frank Greeff, another rich man who lied to the Australian public about the tax reforms, Chanel declared the interview was over.
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Sam Gordon’s motivations.
“From my understanding, he wants more people to generate wealth by investing in housing, which will only continue to increase house prices because people are trying to make money from a human right instead of simply utilising the human right,” Figure said.
“However, let’s crunch the numbers: by my estimations there are 20 million Australians of home-buying age.
“If every single one of them owned 150 houses like Sam Gordon, then there would be three billion houses in Australia, which would be enough to house half of the world.
“This would create a massive oversupply and cause both the home ownership and rental markets to crash, making housing incredibly affordable for the average Australian.
“And that just goes to show that you can say any old ridiculous theory and a newspaper will publish it.”
Victoria Police justifies wasting four hours of everyone’s time: ‘any less and we’d look incompetent’
Victoria Police justifies wasting four hours of everyone’s time: ‘any less and we’d look incompetent’
People stand outside Avalon Airport (Image credit - 9News)
May 23 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
An insider has justified a Victoria Police decision to close Melbourne Avalon Airport for four hours on Thursday morning by saying officers “were doing their job to the highest standard”.
Passengers were evacuated from the domestic terminal of the airport after security staff requested a police investigation of a man’s luggage.
The Victoria Police Bomb Response Unit sent remote units into the airport but ultimately found nothing dangerous or illegal.
Victoria Police claimed the owner of the luggage was not cooperating with them, but the passenger denied this and accused one of the officers of swearing at him.
“Of course you have to use strong language with members of the public,” police expert and insider Sundried Tomato (name changed to protect his identity) said.
“You don’t earn someone’s respect by being kind and understanding.”
The suspicious objects that first aroused security’s suspicion were revealed to be a laser hair removal device and numerous containers of hot chocolate.
The passenger alleges that the police first thought the hot chocolate was C4, and then thought it might be illegal drugs.
Tomato explained that this occurred because of a “simple misunderstanding”.
“First the guy said ‘Yeah, this stuff is the bomb,’ and then he said, ‘This chocolate is really dope,’ and we take what people say very seriously.”
Tomato was not on the scene while the investigation was being conducted and cannot be trusted to accurately recount what happened.
“Look, if we’d figured out in ten minutes that there wasn’t a threat, then everyone would be complaining that we weren’t doing our job properly.
“We had to test the luggage for explosives and drugs, send in our robot things, ask the passenger numerous times whether he’s lying or not, detain him for four hours, and explore every possibility - any less and we’d look incompetent.”
Australian explosives expert Fuse from the video game Apex Legends said the police response was “way out of proportion”.
“Look, if those drongos really thought the stuff was C4, they’d know that stuff’s very hard to blow up,” Fuse said.
“You could light it on fire or shoot it or drop it and it won’t go off.
“So long as old mate didn’t have a detonator on him, the risk of those things going off was extremely low.”
Australian explosives expert Junkrat from the video game Overwatch was also approached for comment but he declined, calling the reporters at The Weekly Conspirator “nutjobs”.
“You don’t want his opinion anyway, mate,” Fuse said.
“He’s ain’t even voiced by a true blue Aussie - not like your old mate Fusey.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the police’s motivations.
“Those cops were worried about looking incompetent, all right,” Figure said.
“That’s why they blamed the delay on the passenger and said he ‘wasn’t too cooperative’ - because the alternative would be to admit that it shouldn’t have taken four hours to resolve the issue.”
Figure also questioned the police asking if the canisters contained illegal drugs.
“They were really grasping at straws there,” Figure said.
“I can’t wait for the news headlines: Australia second-highest consumer of methamphetamines in the whole world all because some guy is smuggling it in two canisters at a time.
“Yeah, right.”
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Social groups consider recruiting under-14s for demonstrations, media interviews: ‘It works really good for gangs’
Social groups consider recruiting under-14s for demonstrations, media interviews: ‘It works really good for gangs’
A prison (Image credit - ABC News: Che Chorley)
May 16 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Numerous social groups and organisations are considering how to benefit from a police decision to drop 109 criminal charges against a 14-year-old girl earlier this week.
The girl, whose name must be hidden to protect her identity, is alleged to have stolen multiple cars, run over a cyclist, and carried out a number of antisemitic attacks among other crimes over a two-month period when she was 13.
Victorian law states that any child under 12 cannot commit a criminal offence, and that children under 14 can be presumed to be incapable as well, until proven otherwise.
In this instance, the police prosecution was unable to prove the then 13-year-old was capable of understanding that what she had done was wrong, and so all charges were dropped.
This is despite there being evidence that the girl Googled how long the jail sentence was for running someone over three minutes after running someone over.
Neo-Nazi group the Nationalist Socialist Network is eager to capitalise on the precedent set by this court ruling.
In order to avoid being labelled as a hate group by the federal government, the group has rebranded itself as ‘Tween Nazis’ and will publicly consist entirely of children 13 and under.
Tween Nazis spokeschild Skibidi Brainrot (name changed to protect his identity) said that he “can’t wait to march on the street and get paid a hundred bucks”.
“It works really good for gangs: they put an ad on the socials and we all respond, because we like money, and want money now instead of having to go to uni for it,” Brainrot said.
“We get to avoid going to jail because the cops can’t be bothered doing their job properly, and the grown-ups get to avoid going to jail because all they did was pay us to commit crimes that we’re too stupid to know are illegal.
“But what would I know, I’m just a widdle baby.”
Free Palestine Melbourne will also be rebranding themselves as the Palestine Pals in case the royal commission on antisemitism and social cohesion decides to continue using a particular definition of antisemitism which may “suppress criticism of Israel”, according to royal commissioner Virginia Bell.
Palestine Pals spokeschild Minecraft Roblox (name changed to protect her identity) said that whereas Tween Nazis were simply being paid to protest, Palestine Pals were being encouraged to know what they were protesting about and given classes on how to speak to the media.
“Did you know that intentionally starving children is bad?” Roblox asked.
“According to Victorian law, I don’t know that, because I’m a child."
Roblox then discussed a New York Times article that provided numerous in-depth and harrowing accounts of the many Palestinians who have been sexually abused and tortured by Israeli soldiers, settlers, prison guards and other representatives.
“Did you know that Save the Children surveyed children aged between 12 and 17 who had been in Israeli detention and found that more than half of them reported seeing or experiencing sexual violence?
“That sounds bad, but how can we trust some of those kids to know the difference between right and wrong?
“They’re only 12, like me, and according to Victorian law, we’re not old enough to know anything about any of that.”
Roblox also discussed how the royal commission told the Australia Palestine Advocacy Network that they did not have a “direct and substantial” stake when they rejected their submissions to speak at the commission.
“Is that bad?” Roblox asked.
“Maybe I would know right from wrong if Victoria didn’t have the lowest-funded public schools in Australia.
“But it’s okay that I don’t, because that means I can say these things and complain about the disgusting abuse committed or permitted by the Israeli government without being worried that I might get a fine or go to prison.”
Tween Nazis spokeschild Skibidi Brainrot also tried to demonstrate that his cause was just and made sense.
“Well, we don’t like the Jews because they always, uh…they, um…the thing about Jewish-Australians is that…er, one time, one of them, er…well, the Jews aren’t paying me any money to go and commit crimes so I don’t like them.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Skibidi Brainrot’s motives.
“I don’t think that person’s actually a child,” Figure said.
"Look at his moustache, that's a fully-grown man.
“But honestly, I wouldn’t blame anyone for being confused - most racists do act like 13-year-olds.”
Billionaire who spent millions of dollars to put citizens in harm’s way complains when he is put ‘in harm’s way’
Billionaire who spent millions of dollars to put citizens in harm’s way complains when he is put ‘in harm’s way’
Billionaire Kenneth Griffin (Image credit - Reuters: Mike Blake)
May 9 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Billionaire Kenneth Griffin complained this week that his life may be in danger after New York City mayor Zohran Mamdani used him as an example in his campaign to tax the ultra-wealthy.
However, Kenneth Griffin himself has donated millions of dollars to the Republican party, which has illegally and unconstitutionally placed citizens in detainment camps without due process, and then either trafficked them out of the country or killed them via negligence.
“To put any citizen in harm’s way is just inappropriate for one of our political leaders,” Griffin said.
He was not talking about the harm that comes to U.S. citizens when ICE officers are trained poorly or not held accountable when they shoot American citizens.
He was talking about his own life being in danger because the government reminded all of us that he is a billionaire who doesn't pay enough tax.
A 2021 report released by the U.S. Treasury Department estimated that the wealthiest five percent of Americans are responsible for more than half of the country's unpaid taxes.
A representative for Kenneth Griffin, Moolah Dollarydoo (name changed to protect her identity) claimed that Griffin had every reason to fear for his life.
“Billionaires are one of the true minorities of the world,” Dollarydoo said.
“Griffin was right to say that Mamdani is unfairly discriminating against a ‘narrow group of people’.
“Mr Griffin is the 37th richest person in the world - can you imagine being in such a minority of people, with only 36 others with more money, power and influence than you?
“It really is heartbreaking to think that Griffin is so alone in the world, with no one to stand up for him.”
The video released by Mamdani explained a new tax which would charge an annual fee to people who primarily live outside of New York City but own luxury properties in the city.
Griffin questioned how far Mamdani would go to tax the rich, asking “where’s this stop?”
Dollarydoo claimed that was a “good question”.
“Where does it stop, all these special exceptions for certain groups of people?
“What next, are we going to have special laws that only affect lawyers and judges, special laws that only affect politicians, special laws that only affect chefs, special laws that only expect police officers!?
“What kind of society would that be?”
An insider from the New York State Democratic Party, Zoinks Buffet (name changed to protect his identity) said that Griffin cannot possibly be in danger because he has “more homes than children”.
“We think it’s fair enough to show Ken Griffin’s home in our video about taxing the ultra-rich,” Buffet said.
“If Griffin didn’t want the world to think he was an ultra-rich, resource-hoarding billionaire, he shouldn’t have broken the record for the most amount of money ever spent on a residential property in the U.S. when he bought that penthouse."
Griffin purchased the penthouse for $238 million in 2019.
“If Griffin truly does fear for his life, he’ll just have to move between the properties he owns in Chicago, Hawaii, Colorado or Florida, or maybe even leave the country altogether and go to the ones he owns in France or the UK.
“If only all those U.S. citizens that were kidnapped by ICE had that many places to hide.”
Dollarydoo hit back, saying that Griffin was “doesn’t even own property in Chicago anymore”.
“He sold the five properties he owned in Chicago because the tax was too high there, and after losing those five properties, he’s quite literally homeless - five times over!” Dollarydoo said.
"Losing one home is bad enough for the average American citizen, imagine losing five.
“And now that taxes are going up in New York City, he’s going to have to sell again.
“it's going to be hard to find a buyer - only a complete idiot would spend $238 million on a residential property.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of The Weekly Conspirator.
“Why are you interviewing me?” he said.
“This isn’t even a conspiracy - it’s just some billionaire exposing that they’re a hypocrite who wants special treatment and attention just because they’re a billionaire.
“This isn't news, this happens every day.”
Voice referendum ‘no’ voters surprised Australia already being run by secret minority
Voice referendum ‘no’ voters surprised Australia already being run by secret minority
Australian PM Anthony Albanese and Israeli president Isaac Herzog (Image credit - Israeli Embassy)
May 2 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Numerous ‘no’ voters expressed surprise this week upon hearing that Australia was never in danger of being influenced by a minority of First Nations Australians because it has already been influenced by a minority of Zionists for the last forty years.
According to a Michael West Media exposé:
The Australia/Israel and Jewish Affairs Council (AIJAC) provided more all-expenses-paid trips to federal MPs than any other private entity over a four-year period.
The Australian government has spent more than $164 million providing security to the Jewish community - more than the Muslim community has received even though Muslims report higher instances of religiously-motivated violence than Jewish-Australians.
The government kept the expulsion of a Canberra diplomat quiet when they discovered he was an Israeli spy to avoid embarrassing Israel.
A WhatsApp group called Lawyers for Israel specifically requested the ABC remove journalist Antoinette Lattouf from air after she reported on Israel's war crimes.
The Special Envoy to Combat Antisemitism has adopted the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s definition of antisemitism, which labels criticism of Israel, including accusing it of genocide, as antisemitism.
Less than half a percent of Australians are Jewish, but that number is negligible, because these lobbies do not represent Jewish-Australians - they represent Israel, so in truth, they represent zero percent of the Australian population.
Those who voted against the Voice referendum because they did not want a minority of Australians to have influence over the rest of us reacted to the news on social media.
“I just can’t believe pro-imperialist forces would weaponise our racism against us to further their imperialist goals,” ‘no’ voter Crimbo Wuckus (name changed to protect his identity) said on TikTok.
“This has literally never happened before.”
Another ‘no’ voter, Jubbler Zonk (name changed to protect her identity) expressed her surprise on Facebook.
“We really thought that the people who nobody ever listens to - the people who are so oppressed that a government literally has to legislate giving them a Voice - were the ones who wanted to be puppet masters.
“How could we have known the puppet masters were those with lots of money, power and influence?”
In 2023, the federal government held a referendum which asked Australians to vote on the implementation of a First Nations Voice to Parliament.
If this referendum passed, changes would be made to the Constitution of Australia that would allow federal parliament to create, and then decide the powers of, a new body (the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice) which would represent the interests and concerns of First Australians.
60 percent of Australians voted against the proposal.
Early polls showed that most Australians supported the Voice, but support fell as time went on.
One reason for the swing was a campaign by conservative lobby Advance Australia, which famously said ignorance on the issue was a valid reason to vote against the Voice.
This enabled lies to proliferate on social media, such as ones claiming the Voice would allow First Australians to claim land that was already owned by someone else and that the Voice would give First Nations people (who comprise 3.8 percent of the Australian populace) control and power over other Australians.
The Voice would not enable either of these things.
An Advance Australia insider, Beauty Rich (name changed to protect his identity), said the quiet part out loud.
“We’re okay with the Jews secretly influencing Australia because they’re not Black,” Rich said.
“I mean, they’re not white either - well, it kind of depends.
“When it suits our narrative, they’re white and one of us, but sometimes they’re a minority who are oppressed and we have to put laws in place that give them special protections, so in those instances they aren’t white.
“They’re Schrödinger’s white person - like Jesus is.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Advance Australia’s motives.
“Why would they prevent First Australians from influencing the federal government while allowing the AIJAC, the Executive Council of Australian Jewry, the Zionist Federation of Australia and Lawyers for Israel to influence the government?” Figure asked.
“Secondly, why is it possible to criticise Donald Trump without being deemed anti-American, and to criticise the Taliban without being deemed anti-Muslim, but impossible to criticise alleged war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu without being called antisemitic?
“Thirdly, why was the safety and wellbeing of one group left up to a public vote while the safety and wellbeing of another group was given immediate policy change that none of us had a say in?
“I’m no expert on corruption but the answer to all of those questions probably involves money and power.”
Australian government minimises tax on gas industry to ensure access to ‘exclusive animes’, insiders claim
Australian government minimises tax on gas industry to ensure access to ‘exclusive animes’, insiders claim
A number of Australian gas flares (Image credit - ABC News: Brendan Esposito)
Apr 25 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Government insiders have leapt to defend themselves after a report earlier in the week condemned the low tax revenue being collected from Australia’s natural gas exports.
The study, conducted by The Australia Institute, found that Japan’s government generates more revenue from the taxes it places on importing gas than we do exporting it in the first place.
Over the last five years, Japan has generated an average of $1.8 billion per year on gas imports, while Australia has generated an average of $1.4 billion a year on gas exports.
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) claimed the Labor party knew this would happen when they introduced such tax policies in 1988.
“We have been getting paid in other ways, and I would argue that those ways are far more valuable than useless dollars and cents,” Jellybean said.
“I’m talking about exclusive animes and mangas.
“I really shouldn’t be saying this, but [former prime minister] Bob Hawke was a massive Dragon Ball fan, and the Japanese government promised him early access to episodes in exchange for letting them generate lots of tax while we generated very little.
“Hawke got to see Dragon Ball Z months before anybody else in Australia.”
Jellybean said that all Australian prime ministers have a secret love of anime and manga, but that they can’t talk about it because “It just wouldn’t pass the pub test”.
According to Jellybean, former prime minister Paul Keating received early access to the Sailor Moon manga in exchange for keeping taxes low on gas exports.
He also received early access to the anime, but “absolutely hated it”.
Former prime minister John Howard was allegedly a big fan of Yu-Gi-Oh! and Jellybean claimed that “he was the reason that first adaptation of the show, the one that was darker than Duel Monsters, never took off”.
“He tried to cover it up, that’s how much he hated it.
“On the other hand, he really liked Duel Monsters, so if your child was really into Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in the early 2000s, you can thank John Howard.”
Jellybean also claimed that former prime ministers Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull never lasted a full term because they kept getting into heated debates about One Piece and JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.
“It was really only when [former prime minister] Scott Morrison received an early copy of Chainsaw Man - the manga - and introduced it to the rest of us that we knew he’d win the leadership spill.
“Then he received an early copy of the anime, but he really hated it so it was all over for him.”
Jellybean refused to disclose what current prime minister Anthony Albanese is reading or watching.
“Albo has created a very particular public persona,” Jellybean said.
“There’s no way a man who wears a stockman’s hat when he’s out in the bush and drinks a frothy while at the pub can also like anime, those things just don’t mix.
“Anyway, all of this to say is that it’s a good thing, actually, that we barely tax our finite natural resources, because we get Japanese media a few months before the rest of you plebs.”
Japanese government insider Beauty Killosseum (name changed to protect her identity) said that was “the stupidest excuse [she’s] ever heard”.
“The Japanese government is not responsible for the production or distribution of any of that media, so we cannot possibly release it early as some kind of bargaining chip,” Killosseum said.
“Your government can change those tax policies whenever they want to, but it seems that all of your politicians need help locating their spines.
“The latest Radiation House tankōbon that just came out last week might be of some help.”
However, Killosseum does not deny that Japan has tried to deter Australia from implementing higher taxes on gas exports, such as when their ambassador to Australia warned the prime minister against the move last month.
“Of course we’re against it," Killosseum said.
“Haven’t you heard that you’re giving it away for so little that we make more importing it than you do exporting it?
“Why would we want the price to go up?
“Also Anthony Albanese is a fake, his favourite ‘anime’ is Kpop Demon Hunters.”
Speck Jellybean refused to confirm the above allegation.
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of every single Australian government since 1988.
“I really don’t believe that they would trade billions of tax dollars for early access to comics and cartoons,” Figure said.
“But the only other possibility is that they were fiscally-irresponsible cowards who let gas companies exploit legal loopholes to make ever-increasing profits for the past twenty years at the expense of the average Australian.
“So I guess I’ll choose to believe the whole ‘anime’ thing.”
Amazon insider says workplace deaths are ‘a blessing in disguise’
Amazon insider says workplace deaths are ‘a blessing in disguise’
The Amazon facility where a worker died earlier this week (Image credit - Western Edge: Ryan Haas)
Apr 18 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Amazon has issued a heartfelt statement about an employee who died while on the job earlier this week, but insiders claim that nothing will change.
While Amazon claimed the worker died of a “pre-existing medical condition”, workers at the Oregon warehouse have complained of extreme heat and being pushed to work too hard.
A manager allegedly told another employee not to render assistance and to “get back to work”.
Despite this, and allegedly creating the circumstances which caused his death in the first place, an official statement from Amazon claimed the company was "deeply saddened" by the worker's death.
Amazon insider Narcoleptic Bozo (name changed to protect his identity) said that the company has no plans to change its high-stress, high-pressure work environments.
“People think dying is bad, but we see dying - especially while at work - as a blessing in disguise,” Bozo said.
“We can all agree that the Monday-to-Friday, nine-to-five grind sucks, so we like to view death as an early retirement, like a long break, and who wouldn’t want that?”
Bozo said that any employee who died while on the job was granted Amazon’s “highest honour of being crowned employee of the month” and then reflected sadly upon a tornado that claimed the lives of six Illinois Amazon employees in 2021.
“Unfortunately we couldn’t give them all employee of the month because that would take up half the year, depriving other valuable employees of their time in the sun.
“At the end of the day, that’s company policy, and we have to follow company policy whether it’s moral and just or not.”
That incident occurred because Amazon ignored tornado warnings and requested their staff to go to work despite the danger, resulting in the building collapsing and numerous casualties.
This March, they ignored tornado warnings again and asked employees to work outside even while emergency sirens were sounding.
It was only because the tornado changed course that nobody was injured.
An insider from the Grim Reaper’s office, Hooded Figure (name changed to protect its unearthly identity) lambasted companies like Amazon for making their job unnecessarily hard.
“You might think those Amazon workers have it tough, having to urinate in bottles while on the job, work during natural disasters and continue their duties as their friend and colleague lies dead next to them, but think about us,” Figure said.
“We’ve had so many people pencilled in for a late death after living a full, happy life, but then their employer puts them in unsafe working conditions and all of a sudden we have to go up and collect somebody twenty or more years before they’re due for the grave!
“We might be eternal but we need to have a healthy work-life balance just like you living folk, so you’d better believe we’re in talks with our union about all of this.”
A report by the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions in 2024 found that workers in Amazon warehouses were almost twice as likely to be injured than those in warehouses run by other companies.
The report alleged that Amazon was maximising worker productivity at the expense of their safety, and also discouraged workers from seeking outside medical care while forcing them to return to work before they have recovered from their injuries.
Bozo said that these things have nothing to do with worker safety and instead blamed “everything on DEI”.
“The Democrats and their DEI policies forced us to employ so many people with these pre-existing medical conditions,” Bozo said.
“If we didn’t have to hire so many people with hearts that didn’t work properly, we could make our working conditions even worse and overwork them as much as we wanted.
“Not that I would know how hard these people work, I just sit around my air-conditioned office all day wondering how to make more money for the company.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Amazon’s motivations.
“Amazon can’t convince me to watch a documentary about Melania Trump and they sure can’t convince me that their working conditions are fair and reasonable,” Figure said.
“In fact, I’m pretty sure the only way working conditions would be worse for those people is if Melania was playing on loop in the background.”
Amazon spent $75 million buying the rights to and marketing Melania, a move which some U.S. senators believe may constitute a bribe.
Hooded Figure went on to say that “America isn’t the place it once was”.
“There was a time where something like bone spurs would get you out of hard work.
“Now if you're an employee at Amazon and you tell your boss you've got a weak heart, they'd happily work you to death because they can just blame it on your 'pre-existing medical condition' and avoid any legal consequences."
AI companies confirm that their LLMs spread lies to ‘train people against misinformation’
AI companies confirm that their LLMs spread lies to ‘train people against misinformation’
A mobile phone, which can be used to read lies (Image credit - Unsplash: Paul Hanaoka)
Apr 11 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Numerous tech companies came together this week to defend the inaccuracy of their large language models (LLMs) following recent news about a test conducted by a team in Sweden in 2024.
The test involved the creation of a “made up” medical paper which contained a “made up” medical condition found on “fifty made-up individuals”.
Despite the paper clearly stating that these elements were fictional, numerous LLMs at the time reported that the condition was legitimate.
Some LLMs continue to do so today.
Insiders from Microsoft, Google and OpenAI immediately provided a statement to The Weekly Conspirator, but it had clearly been AI-generated because it said that “large tech companies want more misinformation on the Internet because misinformed people usually vote for the governmental candidates that let them maximise their profits via unethical means”.
This is obviously false.
Instead, we spoke with Microsoft insider Mankind Divided (name changed to protect their identity) who told us the truth.
“There is a lot of misinformation out there on the Internet, and it really is a shame when our friends and neighbours start believing things that aren’t true,” Divided said.
“So we invented these LLMs that lie to people to help train people against misinformation.
“That’s why we always have a disclaimer that says our AI models don’t always give correct information.
“If we tell our users that the AI-generated answer might contain lies, but not which part of it is a lie, we are effectively training the entire population of the world to better detect falsehoods.”
Misinformation expert Moth-eaten Blanket (name changed to protect her identity) determined that sharing more misinformation at a time where misinformation is already so prominent "could not possibly have any adverse effects".
“You have to fight fire with fire,” Blanket said.
“If someone lies to you, the best way to get the truth out there is to spread more, different lies.
“I have it on good authority that two wrongs make a right - I am a misinformation expert, after all.”
Mankind Divided said that “everything Microsoft has ever done is to better the planet and the people who live here”.
“For example, when we realised our massive investment into our AI data centres was going to accelerate climate change, we spent almost two billion dollars on programs that would counter that acceleration,” Divided said.
“If someone murders five men in cold blood, that’s completely okay, so long as they help bring five more babies into the world.
“We’re a very moral company, and it’s completely out of touch with reality to paint us as morally-bankrupt, money-hungry manipulators and liars who thrive in a world where people hate their neighbours and love the rich and powerful.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Microsoft’s motivations.
“I think they’re morally-bankrupt, money-hungry manipulators and liars who thrive in a world where people hate their neighbours and love the rich and powerful.”
IDF justifies the killing of journalists: ‘we’re sick of hearing bad news’
IDF justifies the killing of journalists: ‘we’re sick of hearing bad news’
Israeli defense minister Israel Katz and IDF chief of staff Eyal Zamir (image credit - Israel Ministry of Defense: Ariel Hermoni)
Apr 4 2026 - Europe correspondent Spigot Wazzle reporting
The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has defended a targeted strike it made on a vehicle containing three journalists earlier this week.
All three journalists died in the strike.
IDF insider Iron Lung (name changed to protect his identity) said that Israeli soldiers are doing the world “a service”.
“The world is a depressing place, and it’s all because of these journalists,” Lung said.
“All they do is report war, civilian death, genocide, bad news, bad news - we’re sick of hearing bad news."
Lung then quoted a passage of the Torah: “How welcome on the mountain are the footsteps of the herald announcing happiness, heralding good fortune, announcing victory, telling Zion, ‘Your God reigns!’
“If a journalist doesn’t do or say any of that, we kill them.”
According to the Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ), two-thirds of all journalists killed in 2024 and 2025 were killed by the Israeli military.
The CPJ also reports that the IDF has killed more journalists than any other country’s military since their records began in 1992.
Journalists are classified as civilians under Protocol I of the Geneva Conventions, which means that targeted attacks on journalists are considered war crimes.
The International Criminal Court (ICC) issued Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu with an arrest warrant in 2024, accusing him of committing war crimes and crimes against humanity (such as attacks on civilians) during the Gaza war.
However, the ICC relies on the cooperation of the accused, so no action has been taken yet.
ICC insider Utmost Concern (name changed to protect his identity) said it is up to the war criminal to “do the right thing and submit themselves” to the ICC.
“It’s basically an honour system,” Concern said.
“We don’t have the authority to police the world, so we can only police those who submit themselves to our policing.
“The Geneva Conventions - which are established by a different entity to us, the United Nations - work the same way: if a country decides to abide by the Geneva Conventions, then they have to punish themselves if they breach it.”
Israel, for example, has not signed Protocol I of the Geneva Conventions, which allows the country to invalidate the wartime rights of Palestinian forces and commit criminal acts (such as attacks on civilians) with impunity.
“If a country decides that international law doesn’t apply to them, then they don’t have to follow it,” Concern said.
“It makes sense to me.”
US military commanders were reported earlier in the year to have told their troops that president Donald Trump was acting to fulfil “God’s divine plan” and that the war in Iran would bring about Armageddon.
Iron Lung confirmed that the IDF saw their killing of journalists as similarly holy, albeit on a smaller scale.
“What is a journalist but a prophet who reports on the present instead of the future?” Lung said.
He then quoted the Torah again: “The prophet who intentionally speaks a word in My name, which I did not command him to speak, or who speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die.
“Now if you say to yourself, ‘How will we know the word that the Lord did not speak?’
“If the prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, and the thing does not occur and does not come about, it is because we killed them to stop them from reporting on the war crime, which is basically the same as the war crime never having occurred at all.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the ICC’s motivations.
“Maybe this so-called International Criminal Court hasn’t heard about what happens to us ordinary folk when we decide that the law doesn’t apply to us, or that we don’t have to respect or abide by the law,” Figure said.
“Last year, an Australian man called Dezi Freeman decided that Australian law didn’t apply to him and that state authorities had no right to imprison him, and do you know what happened to him?
One Nation confirms Australia will be invaded unless Pauline Hanson becomes PM
One Nation confirms Australia will be invaded unless Pauline Hanson becomes PM
Australian soldiers conducting an exercise (image credit - Australian Department of Defence)
Mar 28 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
A study conducted by the Australian National University (ANU) earlier this week found that almost half of Australians surveyed believe a foreign military will attack Australia in the next five years.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) revealed yesterday that those Australians have every reason to worry.
“Australia has been invaded once before, a very long time ago, by people who imposed their society upon those living here, and even tried to wipe them out.
“If the documents we’ve found are true, it will happen again, and very soon - unless Pauline Hanson becomes Prime Minister, of course.”
Stick said that One Nation found these documents in the Parliament of South Australia, and that the party was able to view these documents due to their “immense success” in the state.
“All the big news outlets are talking about our amazing results in South Australia, and yours should too,” Stick said.
“A historic result, they’re saying; a breakthrough result, they’re saying; a success!”
The Labor Party won 33 seats in the recent state election in South Australia.
One Nation won two seats.
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) denied that any foreign military is planning on physically invading Australia.
“No one would ever want to invade us - we’re giving our natural resources away for such a low price that some countries are even selling them to other countries and making a profit,” Jellybean said.
“No one would wage a war against someone who’s already practically surrendered.”
ANU’s study also suggested that an overwhelming majority of Australians surveyed were concerned that foreign disinformation campaigns using AI would be a problem in the next five years.
“That’s what we’re actually worried about,” Jellybean said.
“What we’re seeing right now are people from Vietnam potentially being paid to post AI-generated videos and pictures that paint Pauline Hanson and people like Peta Credlin in a positive light.
“Of course Hanson can predict that those attacks might end if she becomes PM.”
Stick claimed Labor was “betraying their values”.
“It’s absolutely despicable of the Labor party to blame foreign Asians for the degradation of Australian society.
“That’s One Nation’s job.”
Stick also found it “distressing” that AI-generated content of Pauline Hanson was circulating online.
“If AI can be used to sow anger among the Australian people, and spread hate, division and lies, where does that leave our poor Pauline?
“It’s hard to believe that the rise of AI might leave her without a job too, just like so many other Aussie battlers.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Australian government’s motivations.
“I don’t think undertaxing our billionaires and undercharging for our exports keeps Australians safe from foreign invasion.
“The only result is that all governments - state and federal - can’t find the money to properly pay public school teachers in Victoria and the public servants working nationally for the ABC.
“Every poorly-educated or ill-informed Australian is a chip in our armour - the truth is that foreign invasions don’t just come in the form of boots on the ground anymore; they come as lies on the Web.”
Pauline Hanson using Gina Rinehart’s private jet to ‘drill for oil’, One Nation says
Pauline Hanson using Gina Rinehart’s private jet to ‘drill for oil’, One Nation says
One Nation leader Pauline Hanson (image credit - NewsWire: Martin Ollman)
Mar 21 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Earlier this week, Pauline Hanson’s One Nation’s Pauline Hanson was found to have failed to declare her use of billionaire Gina Rinehart’s private jet on three occasions.
The Guardian Australia asked Hanson about these flights, and while she did not respond to the publication’s questions, she did immediately declare them to the Senate registrar.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that these trips should not have been declared because they are “top-secret” outings to “drill for oil”.
“It’s no secret that Australians need oil right now due to the conflict in Iran, and Gina Rinehart is perfectly-positioned as a mining magnate to help find us more oil.
“Pauline Hanson is the only one willing to get her hands dirty and fix the problem herself, and my question is why aren’t all the other pollies working twelve-hour shifts in the oil mines or wherever you get oil from?”
The flights that Hanson failed to declare were on two days in August and one day in December last year - in other words, nowhere near the beginning of the war in Iran.
When Stick was reminded of these dates, she said to “ignore everything [she] just said” and promised that “Ms Hanson has no more flights to declare”.
Hanson was jailed in 2003 for electoral fraud, and soon after leaving prison said she would “need rocks in [her] bloody head” to consider working in politics again after that.
She has been involved in politics for many years since.
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) said that Stick’s justifications did not “make any sense”.
“Ignoring the fact that the dates don’t even line up, wouldn’t the kerosene used to fly Hanson over to a mine in rural Australia be higher than any drilling one person can do in one twelve-hour shift?”
Jellybean then admitted that she didn’t “really know how any of this works” and that she “doesn’t even know where oil comes from”.
Last year many Labor politicians also came under fire for abusing parliamentary privileges to give their family members business-class flights to dinners and events.
Labor responded by deferring to the Remuneration Tribunal, which recommended removing previously unlimited caps on expenses for senior officials and limiting taxpayer-funded family flights to economy class.
Jellybean said that there was “no chance” of imposing similar restrictions on billionaire donations and gifts.
“We’re still holding out hope that one day, one of us will get a free private jet flight from a big wig like Gina Rinehart or Rupert Murdoch.
“To get their approval, we'll drift as far right as we have to!”
Stick said that it was “typical” of the Labor government to fail to stand up to blatant corruption and political interference.
“One Nation would never do that while in power.
“We’re only doing that now because we’re not in power, but once we’re in power, we’ll definitely stop.
“We can stop anytime we like, actually.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned One Nation’s motivations.
“It’s completely ridiculous to fly one politician out into nonexistent Australian oil fields to resolve the oil crisis.
“What we should be doing instead is retrieving dinosaur DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber so that we can bring dinosaurs back to life, and then convert those living dinosaurs into oil by fast-tracking the natural processes by which dinosaur bones become crude oil deep underground.
“I reckon the mainstream media would be more likely to agree to that then they would to encouraging Aussies to buy more electric cars, don’t you?”
U.S. Department of Defense: Crabs are ‘the future of warfare’
U.S. Department of Defense: Crabs are ‘the future of warfare’
U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth (image credit - Reuters: Elizabeth Frantz)
Mar 14 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
A U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) insider has justified record spending last September by saying it is consistent with the DoD’s values.
The DoD spent $93 billion in September alone last year, with millions being spent on Alaskan king crab and lobster tail.
DoD insider Bloody Mary (name changed to protect his identity) said that the reason the DoD purchased thousands of crabs was to use them as weapons of war.
“I recently learned about this thing called carcinisation, and at first I thought it had something to do with cancer, but then I actually read beyond the first word of the Wikipedia article and I found out it had something to do with Cancer - you know, the big crab in the sky that tells us what to do,” Mary said.
“Now, the Republican party doesn’t believe in evolution, but we’re also huge hypocrites, so when evolution can help us make money or win a war, we do believe in it.”
Mary said that the DoD has been leaving an equal number of loaded firearms and Alaskan king crabs in numerous locked rooms at the Pentagon in the hope that the guns become more “crab-like”.
“A gun that’s also a crab could be the future of warfare.”
Mary said that nothing has happened so far, but that 'Operation Crab Mentality' is nonetheless an “incredible success.”
“We have proved that evolution is a lie and, when the crabs inevitably died from being around live firearms with the safeties turned off, we got to eat them.
“I mean, it’d be a complete waste of taxpayer money not to eat them, right?
“Anyway, if you want to complain about the government wasting the taxpayer’s money, don’t look at us - look at those bozos at ICE.”
Mary pointed to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) spending millions of dollars buying thousands of vehicles and wrapping them in ICE fleet livery last year.
However, insiders have said it is against protocol for officers to drive marked cars, so most of these cars are sitting idle in ICE facilities.
Insiders have also expressed concerns that the marked vehicles would alert the public of ICE working in the area and that operations might be interfered with.
Department of Homeland Security (DHS) insider Elven Kind (name changed to protect her identity) said that U.S. taxpayers are to blame for this wasteful government spending.
“Our brave ICE agents are scared for their lives because whenever they try to do something illegal, immoral, unconstitutional, or all of the above, members of the public threaten the lives of those ICE officers by recording them doing those illegal, immoral or unconstitutional things,” Kind said.
“If all of you hadn’t made our officers ashamed of working for our corrupt government, they would love to drive these marked cars around, but nobody ever thinks of the poor ICE officers.
“Anyway, if you want to complain about us being a bunch of wimps, don’t look at us - look at those bozos on the police force.”
Kind pointed to a recent investigation, which found that a Connecticut police shooting last year concluded with police officers prioritising ambulance transportation for an unwounded officer over the victim of the shooting, who was bleeding and had severe injuries.
The victim, Dyshan Best, had to wait an additional 10 minutes for a second ambulance to arrive, and later died in hospital.
Bridgeport Police Department insider Rule Britannia (name changed to protect her identity) said that they made the right decision and acted in the police department’s “best interests”.
“The police have been unjustly shooting just as many people as we always have, but we never make the news anymore.
“We’re just trying to stay relevant in the news, but ICE is getting all the attention now, and apparently the Department of Defense bombed a school in Iran and killed over a hundred children - how are we supposed to compete with that?
“I mean, if you want to complain about government-sponsored atrocities, don’t look at us - look at those bozos in the Department of Defense.”
DoD insider Bloody Mary declined to comment and said that he was too busy supporting Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth following recent events.
"He never liked having his picture taken," Mary said.
"It really makes you wonder why he got into broadcast news."
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the motivations of everyone involved.
“You’ll never get anywhere just blaming somebody else - eventually these institutions have to take some kind of responsibility.
“I blame the government.”
U.S. government insider reveals real motivation behind Iran attacks: ‘We want in on Eurovision’
U.S. government insider reveals real motivation behind Iran attacks: ‘We want in on Eurovision’
A strike causes smoke in Tehran, Iran (Image credit - Associated Press: Mohsen Ganji)
Mar 7 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Israel-U.S. strikes against Iran last week are a bid to help the U.S. become a Eurovision contestant, inside sources say.
This comes after a week of differing and sometimes contradictory justifications from the White House, including a preemptive attack to prevent Iran striking the U.S. first, the strikes being a response to “stall tactics” in peace negotiations, regime change, freedom for the Iranian people, and as retaliation for alleged Iranian plots to kill Donald Trump.
U.S. Department of Defense insider Bloody Mary (name changed to protect his identity) said that these reasons are “mainly a smokescreen”.
“The U.S. is the greatest country in the world and we are sick and tired of going unnoticed on the global stage.
“We want in on Eurovision, and the way to get in on it is clear.”
Mary explained that Russia was excluded from Eurovision for waging war in Europe, but Israel was not excluded for waging war in the Middle East.
“We don’t make the rules.
“If war in the Middle East is what we have to do for the Eurovision Song Contest to finally notice us, then we’ll start one.”
The Eurovision Song Contest is currently open to all countries belonging to the Council of Europe, or those that fall within the European Broadcasting Area, which includes a number in Africa and the Middle East.
Exceptions have been made before, however.
For example, Australia does not fulfil either of these requirements but was invited to participate by the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) in 2015, and has competed annually ever since.
The United States of America has never been invited.
EBU insider Dito Viscido (name changed to protect his identity) claimed that this kind of behaviour was “typical” of the United States.
“They think everything can be solved by going to war in the Middle East.
“Instead of cooperation and inclusion, they chose competition and war, like they always do.”
Viscido stressed that no American broadcaster ever reached out to the EBU to discuss joining the Eurovision Song Contest.
Instead, the EBU proposed an American-only music competition, the American Song Contest, which broadcasted in 2022.
“We only did that because we knew they’d say ‘yes’ and give us the money, really.
“Americans love a competition where they’re guaranteed to win.”
The American Song Contest was not renewed for a second season.
Bloody Mary blamed Joe Biden for the competition's failure, and said that "unlike Mr Biden, we're not scared of taking the fight to where it counts”.
“Who cares why we’re going to war, anyway?
“Whether we’re fighting to join Eurovision, for barrels of oil, or to fatten the coffers of our weapons manufacturers, we intend to ignore the needs of our own citizens while we send our military off to some foreign country to make things marginally worse or, if we’re lucky, better.
“It’s the American way.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the U.S. government’s motivations.
“This is the stupidest conspiracy I’ve ever heard.
“We all know that Iran was intending on staging an illegal entry into Eurovision, and that’s the kind of threat Israel and the U.S. take very seriously.”
Democrat insider claims that a 'time-travelling cabal' is the only way to explain ICE’s cruelty
Democrat insider claims that a 'time-travelling cabal' is the only way to explain ICE’s cruelty
A WRAP device that ICE uses on detainees (Image credit - Safe Restraints Inc.)
Feb 28 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) treatment of detainees is under scrutiny again following a recent bill introduced by Democrats in the House of Representatives.
The bill seeks to restrict how the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) could use full-body restraint devices that have been regularly implemented by ICE under the Trump administration.
California-based Safe Restraints Inc. designed these devices, called WRAPs, to be used on violent and erratic criminals and detainees.
Instead, ICE officers are restraining detainees with WRAPs to deny them their rights, to intimidate other detainees, and to punish them for refusing to cooperate with their demands, according to an Associated Press report last year.
Democrat insider Fried Weasel (name changed to protect her identity) said that she cannot believe the atrocities ICE is committing.
“When you hear these stories of detainees having their arms broken for refusing to sign documents, or of people being trafficked to countries they have never even been to before, or of citizens being pinned down and shot by ICE officers, I just cannot believe that my fellow Americans are to blame.
“The only possible explanation is that a time-travelling cabal has infiltrated the government and hired ten thousand ancient Roman, Spartan and Chinese disciplinarians to enact such barbaric and antiquated violence.”
The number of ICE officers has more than doubled under the current Trump administration, from 10,000 personnel to 22,000.
“Considering Trump’s latest polls, I’m surprised there are 12,000 Americans who want to vote for him, let alone commit atrocities for him,” Weasel said.
“Time travel is the only possible explanation.”
No ICE officers have been seen speaking Latin, Doric Greek or Middle Chinese.
DHS insider Elven Kind (name changed to protect her identity) called this allegation “outrageous”.
“Our ICE officers who break detainees’ arms for refusing to sign documents, send detainees off to foreign countries or places without any regard for their wellbeing, and pin down and execute people at protests are all proud Americans.
“It is just typical of the woke Democrat mob to forget that we as Americans have a long and proud history of torture and corporal punishment.”
Elven Kind then went on to point out unlawful killings and massacres by U.S. troops in Afghanistan, prisoner abuse by U.S. intelligence agents in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib, and the U.S. government’s waterboarding of detainees at Guantánamo Bay detention camp.
“Everyone says waterboarding is torture but we just say it isn’t and the Republican Party has found that to be a pretty good workaround,” Kind said.
“It’s been like that since [former U.S. president] George Bush.
“If the Democrats want to protect our citizens from tyranny, why didn’t they make it illegal?”
Weasel said that the House of Representatives passed a bill that would outlaw waterboarding as an interrogation technique in 2007, but then-president George Bush vetoed it the following year.
“Oh God, the president is going to veto this one too, isn’t he?” Weasel said.
Fried Weasel stressed that the Democrats could not possibly accomplish anything without the time travel technology given to the Republicans by the billionaire class.
“We really could accomplish great things if we had a handful of ancient Roman senators on our side.
“I think Joe Biden would really get along with them.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Democrats’ motivations.
“I find it very hard to believe that ancient Romans work for ICE.
“It’s far more likely that Americans are working for an oppressive government because the billionaire class has created an America where the only way out of poverty and powerlessness is to work for an oppressive government.”
If the Republicans actually did have access to time travel, Figure asserted that the plan would be to recruit German Nazis and have them work for ICE so they could “kill two birds with one stone”.
“This would weaken the German military and allow the Allies to more easily win the war (letting the U.S. look like the good guys even though they killed over a hundred thousand Japanese civilians) while also strengthening the ranks of their neo-Sturmabteilung in the present day.
“But I guess the Republicans are still being tight-lipped about the whole 'fascist' thing.”
Government confirms anti-hate laws are ‘working as intended’ following police seizure of satirical posters
Government confirms anti-hate laws are ‘working as intended’ following police seizure of satirical posters
Dissent Cafe and Bar in Canberra (Image credit - Dissent Cafe and Bar)
Feb 21 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
The Labor government and Australian Capital Territory (ACT) Policing have defended a police decision to seize a number of posters depicting various notable tyrants as Nazis.
On Wednesday, ACT police declared Canberra’s Dissent Cafe and Bar a crime scene, causing the venue to shut its doors while officers investigated whether the posters they removed from the venue were in breach of laws passed earlier this year aiming to combat antisemitism, hate and extremism.
The posters in question, by art group Grow Up Art, depicted Russian president Vladimir Putin, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, US president Donald Trump, US vice president JD Vance and wealthiest person in the world Elon Musk wearing Nazi uniforms.
The new Commonwealth anti-hate laws allow police officers to seize objects displaying prohibited hate symbols in public, although there are provisions for “religious, academic, educational, artistic, literary, scientific or journalistic” purposes.
ACT Policing Deputy Chief Police Officer Pauline Hudson agreed that the above defence has been “carved out” in the legislation, but that “it has to be borne out in the court process”.
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) defended the interpretation of the law by police.
“We all know that the government makes the laws, police officers enforce the law, and the courts determine whether the enforcement was correct or not after the fact.
“Police officers have enough on their hands already - can we really expect them to think before they act on top of everything else?
“None of us can decide what is and isn’t moral - only a court of law can decide our morality.”
Police expert and insider Sundried Tomato (name changed to protect his identity) also defended the actions of ACT police.
“There is a thin blue line between peace and chaos, and that’s us.”
Tomato pointed to last week’s protest against the arrival of Israeli president Isaac Herzog in Sydney, where police officers were filmed seeming to punch a man who had his hands up, and were later that day filmed dragging Muslims away from their sunset (Maghrib) prayer.
“Look at how peaceful that protest was until police intervened,” Tomato said.
“Wait, I got that wrong, can I do that again?”
Labor’s Jellybean declared that the seizure of the posters on Wednesday was a fantastic example of the anti-hate laws in action.
“The Jewish community needs our protection, and the best way to protect them is to remove any public criticism of the Nazis and people who act like Nazis.
“Criticising Nazis is antisemitic, and if that doesn’t make sense, take the law before a federal judge and they will help you figure it out - it’s really that simple.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the police’s motivations.
“How do we know that those officers didn’t take those posters down so they could run background checks on those guys and make sure they weren’t actually Nazis?”
Figure said that it was “very unlikely” that Putin, Netanyahu, Trump, Vance and Musk were actually involved in a “secret Nazi cabal.”
“Those men might be selfish; those men might be manipulative; those men might be narcissistic; those men might be warmongers; those men might be liars; those men might be greedy; those men might be vindictive; those men might be power-hungry; and some of those men might be wanted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court, but they are not Nazis.”
Angus Taylor new Leader of the Liberals: CAFS allegedly ‘dead in the water’
Angus Taylor new Leader of the Liberals: CAFS allegedly ‘dead in the water’
New leader of the Liberals Angus Taylor (Image credit - NewsWire: Martin Ollman)
Feb 14 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
Big changes are allegedly coming to the Liberal Party following Angus Taylor’s election as leader.
Chief among them are the canning of TV show ‘Coalition At First Sight’ (alleged brainchild of former Opposition Leader Sussan Ley) and an attempt to distance themselves from One Nation.
“CAFS is one hundred percent dead in the water,” Liberals insider Star Wallsplat (name changed to protect his identity) told The Weekly Conspirator yesterday.
“We all know that reality television is for women, and Angus Taylor is a man, so obviously that idea went straight into the bin.”
Gal Zoogle (name changed to protect her identity) claimed that she still spoke on behalf of ousted Opposition Leader Sussan Ley despite Ley’s departure from politics.
“Sussan is incredibly passionate about CAFS and I’m sure she will be relentlessly pursuing the idea outside of Parliament House.”
Other insiders within the Liberals (who would only speak if promised anonymity and a litre of milk) claimed that ‘Coalition At First Sight’ was a product of Gal Zoogle and not Sussan Ley.
“What would I stand to gain by suggesting Ley wants to waste taxpayer money on a useless reality TV show the week before a spill motion?” Zoogle said.
“It’s preposterous - cartoonish, even.”
Also off the cards are any relations between the Liberals and Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, according to Wallsplat.
“We should not be trying to integrate with One Nation - we should be trying to differentiate ourselves from them.
“One Nation is a crackpot conservative party that’s backed by the wealthy elite and only interested in saying and doing the opposite of whatever Albanese says and does, run by a woman.
“Our party is run by a bloke now, so that should make it easier for the average voter to tell the difference.”
Labor insider Speck Jellybean (name changed to protect her identity) claimed the ALP is in for a “cruisy” two-and-a-half years.
“While the Opposition tears themselves apart and struggles to find an appealing figurehead for a ship that’s sinking anyway, we can pass all the laws we want.
“Or we’ll probably do nothing major and just take it easy - that sounds pretty good to me.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned Labor’s motivations.
“What the Labor party fails to understand is that all inaction has an equal and opposite reaction.
“If they rest on their laurels and refuse to go to work, then so shall I - I have done enough for this world and will never speak again.”
Star Wallsplat, Gal Zoogle and Speck Jellybean all said that they would “like that very much.”
Liberals members call Albo’s MAFS comment a ‘revelation’
Liberals members call Albo’s MAFS comment a ‘revelation’
Liberals leader Sussan Ley, left (Image credit - ABC News: Matt Roberts)
Feb 7 2026 - Patricia Dinkum reporting
The Liberals are allegedly considering using Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s damning comments comparing them to Married At First Sight (MAFS) as a chance to launch a new political strategy.
Liberals insider Gal Zoogle (name changed to protect her identity) said this is an “opportunity and not a setback” and that they would be using the comments as “constructive criticism”.
This Monday, Albanese said that just like many MAFS contestants, the Liberals and the Nationals were engaging in lying, cheating, and “bizarre behaviour”.
“Let’s ignore that part,” Zoogle said.
“Instead, we’re going to think about what else the highly-successful TV show (MAFS) can offer as inspiration.”
According to Zoogle, the Liberals intend to form a coalition with Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party for eight weeks and document the results on-camera.
The new reality series will be called ‘Coalition at First Sight’.
“Our hope is that CAFS will show Australian voters that we can work together with One Nation, and that we’re happy to stand for whatever they stand for if it gets us more votes next election.
“Pauline Hanson could be our Ms. Right.”
Whether the experiment is a success or failure, the plan is for the ABC to air CAFS later this year.
Zoogle hopes the show will be a “massive success” for the ABC, and said that it would “be about time that useless channel made some money”.
One Nation insider Musk Stick (name changed to protect her identity) said that there was no chance they would ever collaborate with the Liberals.
“Unless they offer us more money than we’re already receiving from our donors, we have no interest in ‘marrying’ them or whatever it is they’re asking for.
“The Australian public has said it loud and clear: they don’t want a Liberal party funded by millionaire puppet masters, they want One Nation to be funded by millionaire puppet masters.
“We don’t need to coalesce with anybody.”
Zoogle says that the plans to launch CAFS are still in the early stages.
“I have no idea how the format will work - it’s not my job to produce a TV show, I’m here to serve the Australian people.
“And clearly what the Australian people want is reality television.”
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the Liberals’ motivations.
“This is just the first step in their attempt to conquer Australia, I’m sure of it.
“First they’ll form a coalition with One Nation, and then with the Greens, and then with the Nationals again, and then with the Labor party.
“Once all the parties are united, nothing will stop them from having complete control over the lot of us.”
However, Figure has said that he would “certainly” watch CAFS if it aired as Zoogle intends.
“I love reality television.”
FBI insider confirms agents are in the process of 'eating' Epstein files
FBI insider confirms agents are in the process of 'eating' Epstein files
FBI director Kash Patel (Image credit - Getty Images: Kayla Bartkowski)
Jan 31 2026 - U.S. correspondent Jim Schemozzle reporting
Federal agents have confirmed today that FBI Director Kash Patel has ordered them to begin eating the Epstein Files.
Congress ordered the Department of Justice to release all of the Epstein Files late last year, but they have only released one percent of them.
Insider source Stink Flimflam (name changed to protect her identity) said that eating the files is the only solution.
"By eating the files, suddenly one percent of files released becomes two percent, and we look a lot more competent."
According to Flimflam, the FBI has realised the Epstein Files would take "five hundred years" to "properly" redact.
"It really doesn't make any sense to destroy evidence, but we just have to do what the boss says.
"Intelligence agents are forbidden from using their intelligence or their agency."
Agents were allegedly asked to eat the documents by themselves, but the FBI altered their strategy after numerous agents complained of feeling unwell.
"Photos and documents are shredded and then blended through things like meatloaf, smoothies and porridge, which we consume while working our twelve-hour shifts.
"I've actually gotten quite used to the taste.
"We also send the shredded documents to be mixed into gruel for prisoners, and them eating the documents counts as fulfilling community service."
Local pastor Sherbet Fizz (name changed to protect his identity) said the FBI asked if he would like any food containing the Epstein files to distribute to the poor and needy.
"I declined, of course.
"My concern is that the darkness contained within those files will corrupt my constituents if ingested."
Flimflam said that the FBI was considering other ways to dispose of the destroyed documents, including mixing the contents through school lunches.
However, she added that "feeding growing children is not a priority for the US government right now."
Professor of Conspiracies at the Conspiratorial University of the Northern Territory, Hooded Figure, questioned the FBI's motivations.
"Redacting the files is all well and good, but destroying them is a step too far.
"I think they're hiding something."
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